Post by justaperson on Jan 11, 2015 19:09:52 GMT -6
Hello, this is my first post. I personally am not transgender, probably more A. I am an ally of everyone.
My issue is this - I just need somewhere who might understand my perspective to vent about this.
A FB friend of mine just recently found out her daughter (previously known to be lesbian) is transgender and is starting the process and is actually identifying as male. I'm presuming that her son does not see her mother's posts, because in my opinion they're offensive. That's why I'd like to vent.
The mother claims to be supportive, but keeps referring to her child as "she/he," "his/her" every single time. If the mother uses her son's name, she uses a slash version of "OldName/NewName." So, a paragraph would be like, "He/she was cleaning out his/her closet, and found an album that he/she didn't know was still in there. OldName/Newname was going to throw it away, but I then told him/her that he/she might want to keep it." It's really that pervasive.
Personally - and admittedly, I don't know appropriate etiquette or form, but I personally find it offensive on behalf of her son that the mother will not choose a gender. I feel like - okay if she can't yet get used to her daughter as a son and calls him "her" - but it's like this unfair limbo-land where the mother is forcing two identities onto one person and - to me - it's offensive and insensitive and painful that she is doing this.
When the mother (an educated person) first started posting, she made comments about it now "making sense" because her daughter as a child had strongly disliked wearing dresses and such, and the clothes, hair styles, etc. she had preferred wearing were strongly masculine. I'm finding it hard to explain what felt weird about these statements, but they are just said in a very odd way, like it's really all about the clothes? Or...how could you not even think about the possibility that your child might not identify as feminine when she had so very clearly (I've seen pics) preferred a very male appearance? Maybe it's simply ignorance, even though an educated person... I don't know.
But the he/she and the OldName/NewName thing, I find very difficult to view. Again, I'm not sure whether that's just me, or whether it is actually an insensitive faux pas, but I feel like she should just choose something to call her child and learn to stick with it even if she is uncomfortable, and not refer to her son as a he/she with two names.
PLUS - then, I see other people complimenting this mother for how "supportive" she is. And saying that her son is "lucky to have her as a mother." But from what I see, the mother is not particularly sensitive to the situation at all. AND - it's hard to explain, but even while she's complaining about the situation and people are coming in and complimenting her for being so supportive and saying how lucky her son is to have her... I feel like, just because many parents aren't supportive, doesn't mean that all sorts of praises should be heaped onto the mother for not rejecting her child's identity.
I'm finding it difficult to word what I mean by this. I'm not saying that it's not a good thing the mother is supportive. But the praises being heaped onto her, and the "your child is so lucky you're supportive!" things - to me are very grating and not really appropriate. Like, "Your child is so lucky you're not rejecting him!" "Your son is so lucky to have you because you're okay with who he is!" I think... this is your child. It's your job to be accepting of him. Yes, it'd be bad and wrong if you didn't - but that doesn't mean it's heaping-praiseworthy that you do. I really feel like it's a bit disgusting and over-the-top that people are heaping praises onto the mother for simply accepting her child for who he is.
I'm not sure I've explained it well or understandably at all. But it drives me batty because I feel like, the mother doesn't deserve a medal for just not-rejecting her child. And it seems like she's being so celebrated and so praised, and being told her son is so lucky that she's being accepting (when I'm not sure she really is being all that accepting, or that she really "gets it" at all). I guess maybe because being "lucky" to be accepted would presume that discovering being male is a bad thing that really doesn't deserve acceptance.
I just find it very offensive, but maybe I'm wrong, the constant he/she, Oldname/NewName references, and the heaping praises onto the mother, and the "your child is so lucky to have you!" when I feel like the mother is being offensive with the constant dual references. I feel like if she was really that supportive, she would call her son He and NewName and not be accepting praises simply for not-rejecting her child.
My issue is this - I just need somewhere who might understand my perspective to vent about this.
A FB friend of mine just recently found out her daughter (previously known to be lesbian) is transgender and is starting the process and is actually identifying as male. I'm presuming that her son does not see her mother's posts, because in my opinion they're offensive. That's why I'd like to vent.
The mother claims to be supportive, but keeps referring to her child as "she/he," "his/her" every single time. If the mother uses her son's name, she uses a slash version of "OldName/NewName." So, a paragraph would be like, "He/she was cleaning out his/her closet, and found an album that he/she didn't know was still in there. OldName/Newname was going to throw it away, but I then told him/her that he/she might want to keep it." It's really that pervasive.
Personally - and admittedly, I don't know appropriate etiquette or form, but I personally find it offensive on behalf of her son that the mother will not choose a gender. I feel like - okay if she can't yet get used to her daughter as a son and calls him "her" - but it's like this unfair limbo-land where the mother is forcing two identities onto one person and - to me - it's offensive and insensitive and painful that she is doing this.
When the mother (an educated person) first started posting, she made comments about it now "making sense" because her daughter as a child had strongly disliked wearing dresses and such, and the clothes, hair styles, etc. she had preferred wearing were strongly masculine. I'm finding it hard to explain what felt weird about these statements, but they are just said in a very odd way, like it's really all about the clothes? Or...how could you not even think about the possibility that your child might not identify as feminine when she had so very clearly (I've seen pics) preferred a very male appearance? Maybe it's simply ignorance, even though an educated person... I don't know.
But the he/she and the OldName/NewName thing, I find very difficult to view. Again, I'm not sure whether that's just me, or whether it is actually an insensitive faux pas, but I feel like she should just choose something to call her child and learn to stick with it even if she is uncomfortable, and not refer to her son as a he/she with two names.
PLUS - then, I see other people complimenting this mother for how "supportive" she is. And saying that her son is "lucky to have her as a mother." But from what I see, the mother is not particularly sensitive to the situation at all. AND - it's hard to explain, but even while she's complaining about the situation and people are coming in and complimenting her for being so supportive and saying how lucky her son is to have her... I feel like, just because many parents aren't supportive, doesn't mean that all sorts of praises should be heaped onto the mother for not rejecting her child's identity.
I'm finding it difficult to word what I mean by this. I'm not saying that it's not a good thing the mother is supportive. But the praises being heaped onto her, and the "your child is so lucky you're supportive!" things - to me are very grating and not really appropriate. Like, "Your child is so lucky you're not rejecting him!" "Your son is so lucky to have you because you're okay with who he is!" I think... this is your child. It's your job to be accepting of him. Yes, it'd be bad and wrong if you didn't - but that doesn't mean it's heaping-praiseworthy that you do. I really feel like it's a bit disgusting and over-the-top that people are heaping praises onto the mother for simply accepting her child for who he is.
I'm not sure I've explained it well or understandably at all. But it drives me batty because I feel like, the mother doesn't deserve a medal for just not-rejecting her child. And it seems like she's being so celebrated and so praised, and being told her son is so lucky that she's being accepting (when I'm not sure she really is being all that accepting, or that she really "gets it" at all). I guess maybe because being "lucky" to be accepted would presume that discovering being male is a bad thing that really doesn't deserve acceptance.
I just find it very offensive, but maybe I'm wrong, the constant he/she, Oldname/NewName references, and the heaping praises onto the mother, and the "your child is so lucky to have you!" when I feel like the mother is being offensive with the constant dual references. I feel like if she was really that supportive, she would call her son He and NewName and not be accepting praises simply for not-rejecting her child.
Hopefully someone closer will realize it's not okay and mention it, but I have a feeling - with these kinds of situations - everyone's so bent on being "supportive" and gushing praise on her because of her "acceptance" or her shock - that nobody's willing to be the perceived "critic."
Probably much more diplomatically than I would have. Hopefully she will take the hint... or at least rethink it. Thank you.