Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please

Cookie
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Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please Jan 19, 2015 14:45:51 GMT -6 via mobile

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Post by Cookie on Jan 19, 2015 14:45:51 GMT -6

Hi there,

I could really do with some advice. I'm a 30 yr old female with a 9yr old son and have just come out as bisexual ( I guess). I have only ever been in relationships with men, although had kissed & had a touched a few girls in my teens, until recently. I met my girlfriend online and had planned to keep our relationship private until I'd had chance to explore this and see what it meant and if it would go anywhere etc..as I would have had the relationship been with a guy, however my family found out and I was forced to tell them too soon.

A bit of background..(I'll try keeping it brief)..Following my son's birth, I split with his dad when he was 2. I had 2 relationships with guys in the last 7 yrs had been single or a number of years, and knew I didn't want to sleep with a man again. Tbh, I did my best not to sleep with them when in a relationship anyway! I've also had as bad experience with a guy during my teens, which has probably added to my not wanting a relationship with a guy. I do however find them physically attractive, I just know I never want to be with one again. I guess i got used to the idea of being alone for the rest for my years and continuing to concentrate on my sons needs & his future.

Anyway, my family have taken this news (we'll call it my bisexuality for now lol), really badly, to the point my mother has told me she wants me dead, would kill me herself if I didn't stop being a "disgusting selfish dyke etc". They've said the would understand if I had always been gay, but don't get it at my age and give that I have a child and had many boyfriends / slept with loads of guys when I was younger. My mother has gone as far as to threaten to take my son from me through court, which obviously she can't do, I know. It's also worth adding that my son doesnt know anything about this situation and doesn't see my girlfriend.

Has anyone any advice on this or been in same situation as if love to hear from someone in same predicament. Sorry it's so long winded x

rainbowdash
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Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please Jan 19, 2015 19:41:12 GMT -6 via mobile

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Post by rainbowdash on Jan 19, 2015 19:41:12 GMT -6

I have just recently split with my husband and I am bi with 2 children 6 and 1. My husband knew I was bi I have had a relationship with a woman. I tried to "come out" to my parents a few years ago but my mum cut me off and said if you told me you were bi I would kill you so that was that. I think my new found single status will cause issue as I know I want to start dating women,but it my life and I have to live it in the way I wish.

Your sexuality does not reflect your ability to parent so ignore your mothers threats live the life you want to live! BTW I'm also 30.

cookie
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Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please Jan 20, 2015 5:05:31 GMT -6 via mobile

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Post by cookie on Jan 20, 2015 5:05:31 GMT -6

Hi, thanks for replying! It's nice to hear from someone in the same situation and with a non-supportive family. We're really close normally so I'm really feeling the strain of it all. I'm questioning whether I'm selfish or not for wanting to live my life, (after years alone), but all I hear is the shame it will bring to our family when word gets out. Not like I was planning on announcing it to everyone ha!

Drew Steller
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Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please Jan 20, 2015 9:06:12 GMT -6 Racheal Acuff likes this

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Post by Drew Steller on Jan 20, 2015 9:06:12 GMT -6

Dear cookie:

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Your sexuality is a part of who you are. Please do not ever deny any part of that. It doesn't matter how old you are when you finally discovered your true self, most of us grew up surrounded by straight people, it in many ways confused us and taught us to believe that the things that we truly desire deep-down are wrong or at least not normal. Your parents probably grew up in the 60s, a time where most people like us could only truly be themselves in hiding. I'm not trying to defend your family's reaction, especially your mother's, as no parent should ever say any of the things she said to you. Threatening to take your child away or wishing you were dead, harsh words like those should make you wonder just how unconditional her love is to you. A true parent's love is unconditional.

I cannot imagine the hell that you're going through right now, it took courage to come out to your family, especially since they've known you so long as a straight woman. The way they reacted to your coming out was unconscionable, because regardless of your newly discovered sexuality, you are still the exact same person you were when you were in those relationships with your exes.

I was very young when I discovered who I was, and I went deep into the closet after I witnessed what my family did to my brother after he was caught fooling around with a boy. I came out to them when I left for college, and they told me to not bother going home. And I never did. But I knew I made the right decision because I know how miserable my life would've been had I denied myself my basic human right to love someone the way I was meant to.

We only live once Cookie, so please, do not regret having come out to your family. Now that your have seen their true colours, perhaps it is time for you to move on. If they come to their senses eventually and accept you for who you really are, great, but otherwise, so be it. You have a 9-year-old kid who undoubtedly needs you and loves you unconditonally with all his heart, and between you and him and your girlfriend, you will make new beautiful untainted memories that will forever be a part of the real you. No reason to hang onto the past. Stay strong.

Drew

Last Edit: Jan 20, 2015 9:07:53 GMT -6 by Drew Steller

cookie
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Coming out in your 30's when you have kid..help please Jan 20, 2015 13:41:21 GMT -6 via mobile

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Post by cookie on Jan 20, 2015 13:41:21 GMT -6

Hi Drew,

Thank you so much for your post. It is hell at the min, you're right! I hope things will improve but guess it will take time. I think I'm hurting more as I've always been close to my Mum, and all of my family really. I never thought she would react like this though. Funny how I feared my dads response yet he is fine with it..I say fine, he's not overjoyed, but just said it wasn't his buisness and "whatever it doesn't matter".

My son just thinks my girlfriend is my friend. I don't know what age is right to tell him, but hes too young right now. My family fear the reaction he will have in school and from his peers. I fear this too especially after my mums reaction. She's ignoring me one min, then speaking again..don't know where I stand. She knows I have nobody else to help with childcare (I work full time & really long shifts). I think I'd leave like you did other wise! I've thought about ending things with my girlfriend and waiting until my son is older, but should I really have to do this? When I'm being told I'm selfish it really hurts! I think I've always put my son first. I didn't want anyone else being around him when I split with his dad..I know loads of mothers who have had so many other people around their kids, I just didn't want to be that way. I went back to college instead, then went to university to do teaching waits all I ever wanted to do! I've kept busy and been on my own so long that I thought everyone might guess there was more to it than simply waiting for "the right one".

I'm blabbing on now aren't i? So did you ever see or a contact with your family again? And how did things work out for your brother in the end?

Cookie