Post by zazimmi on Jul 11, 2015 8:48:28 GMT -6
I am a hs teacher and I had a student who is gay this past 2014-15 school year. He's 17 and will be 18 in the fall as a junior. I teach ESL and he is an extremely bright kid who caught onto English very quickly. He has been very ambitious and has a lot of goals.
He has been a perfect student, and he kind of latched onto me as a mother-figure. That is fairly common with recent immigrants, so I didn't think it was weird. I had thought he might be gay but he seems so confident I was glad that he didn't let bullying get to him.
Over the summer I went to see the students perform for an enrichment class (he asked me to go). He kept me afterwards for more than an hour stressing about his mom. He hadn't lived with her for 13 years (long story not atypical for immigrant students). He seemed like he wanted to tell me that he is gay. He kept bringing up lgbt friends he'd had, issues he supported, and how his mother thought everything he did was "Satanic" (listening to Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj, for example...yeah, I know). He also talked about being bullied as a kid because he used to be overweight and for being effeminate, and then having issues with cutting and depression, eating disorders, and thoughts of suicide. He swears he doesn't have suicidal thoughts now. He said "I'm not gay, but if I were, I know they would throw me out." More of the same Bible-thumping logic he'd told me about before. I mainly listened to him, and assured him he wasn't insane, and that I was concerned about him.
Later he sends me a fb message (I have a separate account I use for students only, mainly for announcements, reminders, etc). He thanks me for listening and says he feels better to have talked to me. He says I'm more like his mom than she is.
Fast forward a week and he sends me a sad face in my fb inbox. I ask if he's ok. He writes a very long, detailed account of a fight with his mom over religion. He wants her to accept he is not Christian, she tells him he'll do as she says. She says some nasty things to him and threatens to take his phone. He says in the message that he's crying.
1 of the arguments was about going to see "the person that I like." The way he's bringing it up makes me think he wants to tell me something. I didn't want to goad him into coming out to me, so I just repeated that I would not judge him, that I will support him. His messages start sounding very repetitive and frantic, until finally he's out with it: he's been seeing a boy and coming home late (imo not too bad, a 10pm summer curfew for a 17 year old and he gets in at 11 or so). He tells me that other than his boyfriend, I'm the only one who he has told.
I'm actually very honored he trusted me enough to do that, and I told him so. He insisted he wasn't gay, but then later said he knew what he was when he was 10. He has an uncle who lives with him who has said he would kill any one of them for being gay. He repeated over and over how scared he was. I told him that was very scary and that if he ever felt unsafe he needed to contact me. This conversation lasted hours. He told me his whole family will hate him. He kept asking "what do I do?" I felt so helpless. I'm looking here for advice because I do not know what this is like for him. I was lucky enough to be born privileged and though my family wouldn't have jumped for joy if I had been anything other than straight and cisgender, I know they would never have thrown me out or into conversion therapy. I really love him like a son. I told him that coming out is his own decision. But for now I really think he shouldn't because of his personal safety. Do you think it's ok to tell him that? I think he needs to sit tight until he's 18. I swear I will take over if he needs a place to live (several teachers I work with have indeed taken in students with crappy home lives). I am sorry for the long post. I need to hear from anyone with a similar experience to this great kid so I can better help him. Also, I needed to vent. Any resources to help lgbt teens in Spanish would also be great. His English is good but I think he'd feel more comfortable relating in his 1st language. Also, do you think it's out of the ordinary, his teacher being the only one he can talk to? Not that I mind, but I want him to be able to have others too. Oh and did anyone ever have the feeling of "dirtiness" even if you were supportive and accepting of lgbt rights before coming out? That's how he feels, he said "dirty" and he doesn't understand why since he says he's always defended his gay friends and been accepting. I suspect that is because it's different now that it's him.
I have stressed to him that it was courageous to tell me, he is not "wrong" or "dirty," and that I will support him no matter what. I also told him to find me if he feels in danger. What else can I do?
He has been a perfect student, and he kind of latched onto me as a mother-figure. That is fairly common with recent immigrants, so I didn't think it was weird. I had thought he might be gay but he seems so confident I was glad that he didn't let bullying get to him.
Over the summer I went to see the students perform for an enrichment class (he asked me to go). He kept me afterwards for more than an hour stressing about his mom. He hadn't lived with her for 13 years (long story not atypical for immigrant students). He seemed like he wanted to tell me that he is gay. He kept bringing up lgbt friends he'd had, issues he supported, and how his mother thought everything he did was "Satanic" (listening to Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj, for example...yeah, I know). He also talked about being bullied as a kid because he used to be overweight and for being effeminate, and then having issues with cutting and depression, eating disorders, and thoughts of suicide. He swears he doesn't have suicidal thoughts now. He said "I'm not gay, but if I were, I know they would throw me out." More of the same Bible-thumping logic he'd told me about before. I mainly listened to him, and assured him he wasn't insane, and that I was concerned about him.
Later he sends me a fb message (I have a separate account I use for students only, mainly for announcements, reminders, etc). He thanks me for listening and says he feels better to have talked to me. He says I'm more like his mom than she is.
Fast forward a week and he sends me a sad face in my fb inbox. I ask if he's ok. He writes a very long, detailed account of a fight with his mom over religion. He wants her to accept he is not Christian, she tells him he'll do as she says. She says some nasty things to him and threatens to take his phone. He says in the message that he's crying.
1 of the arguments was about going to see "the person that I like." The way he's bringing it up makes me think he wants to tell me something. I didn't want to goad him into coming out to me, so I just repeated that I would not judge him, that I will support him. His messages start sounding very repetitive and frantic, until finally he's out with it: he's been seeing a boy and coming home late (imo not too bad, a 10pm summer curfew for a 17 year old and he gets in at 11 or so). He tells me that other than his boyfriend, I'm the only one who he has told.
I'm actually very honored he trusted me enough to do that, and I told him so. He insisted he wasn't gay, but then later said he knew what he was when he was 10. He has an uncle who lives with him who has said he would kill any one of them for being gay. He repeated over and over how scared he was. I told him that was very scary and that if he ever felt unsafe he needed to contact me. This conversation lasted hours. He told me his whole family will hate him. He kept asking "what do I do?" I felt so helpless. I'm looking here for advice because I do not know what this is like for him. I was lucky enough to be born privileged and though my family wouldn't have jumped for joy if I had been anything other than straight and cisgender, I know they would never have thrown me out or into conversion therapy. I really love him like a son. I told him that coming out is his own decision. But for now I really think he shouldn't because of his personal safety. Do you think it's ok to tell him that? I think he needs to sit tight until he's 18. I swear I will take over if he needs a place to live (several teachers I work with have indeed taken in students with crappy home lives). I am sorry for the long post. I need to hear from anyone with a similar experience to this great kid so I can better help him. Also, I needed to vent. Any resources to help lgbt teens in Spanish would also be great. His English is good but I think he'd feel more comfortable relating in his 1st language. Also, do you think it's out of the ordinary, his teacher being the only one he can talk to? Not that I mind, but I want him to be able to have others too. Oh and did anyone ever have the feeling of "dirtiness" even if you were supportive and accepting of lgbt rights before coming out? That's how he feels, he said "dirty" and he doesn't understand why since he says he's always defended his gay friends and been accepting. I suspect that is because it's different now that it's him.
I have stressed to him that it was courageous to tell me, he is not "wrong" or "dirty," and that I will support him no matter what. I also told him to find me if he feels in danger. What else can I do?
