|
|
Post by MzJamz on Jun 12, 2014 9:50:47 GMT -6
Greetings! I'm a 32 and a lesbian! I knew from a very young age but after many years of sexual abuse and rape I convinced my self no women would ever want me, this began my miserable life! Penis repulsed me( sorry fellas ) but I married a man who was a true demon!!! So violently physically and sexually abusive it's un comprehensive. I also had two children( out of force )! To make this long story shorter, I escaped this hell by giving my parents the kids and fleeing, was almost killed doing so. After this long, long period I decided I would not live a lie, I came out to my mom and it was AWFUL, she ended up retaining custody of my boys because of my " mental issues" !
She told me once I meet a nice stable man she would give us custody! Well guess what I meet a nice guy , he adopted the boys and we live in a cute lil house and I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERYNIGHT !
I have been met with judgment from many lesbians who did not struggle to come out, so am I really just used goods! I do not want to hurt anymore and I desire and deserve to find a beautiful wife and life ! I just don't know what to do I feel like I am the only gay women in the world who has faced this! Any advice please
|
|
|
|
Post by nathansimko on Jun 12, 2014 10:39:29 GMT -6
First off I would like to welcome you to our forum. Words can not express how sorry I am that you have had to endure so much pain, sadness and hatred in your life. To be forced to choose to live a lie so you can see your children is unfathomable. I couldn't imagine not being able to see my daughter because of my sexuality.
On one hand it's important to provide a safe and healthy life for your kids. If your current husband is a good man and loves them that is really important.
Does he know about your feelings toward men/women? Can you share your feelings with him openly?
Maybe something can be worked out where you both mutually take care of the kids and let you seek love and affection from a woman.
Just because you have such a tragic past doesn't mean everyone will prejudge you as damaged. Many good people exist and will love and cherish you for the beautiful person you are!!
Let us know how we can continue to help and support you.
Hugs
|
|
|
|
Post by MzJamz on Jun 12, 2014 10:57:56 GMT -6
Thanks so much! My spouse knows I believe but we just aren't forth coming, he would not be understanding . He is wonderful with the boys but has really developed animosity towards me. on his defense it has to be hard to be married to someone who doesn't want to be sexual with you! It's really a matter of support and avenues! I have aloud myself to become dependent financially on my spouse, played the house mouse. So now I have to build my resources, because misery is contagious! My children even know it's really that obvious, lol! My youngest told my sister that I wished a had a wife and he had two moms, he said that would be AWESOME! Over the years I have forgiven my mom and we have developed a new strange closeness, I guess I'm really just afraid that's the bottom line!
|
|
|
|
Post by nathansimko on Jun 12, 2014 11:33:08 GMT -6
I do know some of what your gong through first hand. Being married and having a kid but knowing deep down inside you wanted to be with the same sex is frustrating. Heart breaking and unbearable all at the same time! I never had to fear losing contact with my daughter though. However, if your unhappiness is so obvious that it effects your boys that's a problem. If your inability to be sexual with your husband is hurting the marriage THATS a huge problem!! It seems that the obvious solution is to work toward a peaceful separation. Financial security may never come and living in misery for years is not fair to you or the boys.
There are support groups, shelters and other programs for women with kids in a lot of big cities. Look into what's available near you.
Seek a connection with professional help (many are free) locally. Even if it's just someone to talk too who can help with your everyday issues. I personally believe there is a lot in your past that still needs to be worked through. The ropy serious helped me, no it's not for everyone but it can't hurt!
|
|
|
|
Post by Racheal Acuff on Jun 12, 2014 13:21:44 GMT -6
I am so sorry for the pain you have endured and continue to feel. I have been through the abuse front with my first husband and I know the scars that can leave on someone, and for you because you are not attracted to men it must have made it ten times worse. I have to agree with Nate on this one, the way you are living now is no way for anyone to live. No one is happy and it will only hurt everyone involved more in the long run. I know that the financial worry is large, I have been there as well, but you can do it, you need to for you and your boys. They want their mom to be happy and they know, even if you don't show it they know you're not happy right now. Right now you need to focus on your happiness and the happiness of your children. I think the best think you can do right now is step away from your marriage and take the time to work through your issues from the past and this in turn will help you become happy and healthy and allow you to find your TRUE LOVE and you happily ever after. We are always here for you and we will do all we can to help you work through any issues that you need help with.
Much love,
Rae**
|
|
|
|
Post by Mzjamz on Jun 12, 2014 13:34:57 GMT -6
Thank u Rea! I have been through therapy and am really ok with my past! I'm not a victim I am a warrior. I do want to find some support on coming out and dealing with losing many people in my life! I'm glad I found this group  |
|
|
|
Post by cynthia on Jun 12, 2014 20:01:05 GMT -6
Well you remember what I said to you eariler I love you no matter who you love and, you won't loose me as your friend no matter what. I never knew that you were going through all that pain, I'm sorry for that in the future I'm here for you and will stand by you as you tell the rest of the world who you really are
|
|
|
|
Post by Matt Stout on Jun 12, 2014 20:49:56 GMT -6
I do want to find some support on coming out and dealing with losing many people in my life! I'm glad I found this group Coming out is a VERY challenging thing. I know when I came out I pretty much lost... EVERYTHING. My car was taken away from me, I was kicked out of my house, my entire family disowned me. (Obviously I was younger at the time so it really effected me.) However as I have matured... I realized that losing all the people I lost... Just for come forward and saying "Hey... This is who I am." ... I really did not need them in my life to begin with. If they can not accept you for who you are, then you simply do not need them in your life. At least that is how I look at it. And yes, it is hard to accept at first. No one want's to lose family, and/or friends. But you have to do what is best for you. I know when I came out, and I was able to be honest with myself, and everyone else... It felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Thank you for taking the time to share your story, you have come to the right place! We are here to help! I'm too am glad you found our site! Let me know if there is ever anything you need! ~Matt |
|
|
|
Post by Racheal Acuff on Jun 12, 2014 23:08:25 GMT -6
Thank u Rea! I have been through therapy and am really ok with my past! I'm not a victim I am a warrior. I do want to find some support on coming out and dealing with losing many people in my life! I'm glad I found this group I am really glad you found us too!! I am really happy on your outlook on the situation,I'm glad you see yourself as a warrior I think that everyone that is a victim of violence in anyway should look at themselves as warriors! I know I do when I think about my past! So here is to us charging on!! Much love, Rae** |
|
