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Post by NorthernWolf (Mike) on Jun 29, 2014 10:34:18 GMT -6
Don't know where to start. What do you do when you have so much anger from losing so much of your teens and the best years of you life hiding in the "closet". My family was strict. Not the yes ma'am no sir kind of strict, but the you do what your told or else kind of strict. Dad was Catholic and half German and half Polish. It was rare to see him smile. When he barked out an order you knew you'd better move because he was quick with his belt. I knew in my early teens I was gay. I didn't even think about coming out to my family. Not with dad being the patriarch. You hear so much of teens now coming out to their parents and being accepted easily, but some aren't and are beaten or kicked out. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't favor both of those happening to me. I did was what expected of me and had a girlfriend. For years I did the act to keep everyone happy. Nothing was wrong in our family. I did the family thing all the way to getting married, kids and the happy home thing to the end. The whole time, thinking about guys. What would it be like to be with one. All the while, the wife would make "faggot" remarks in reference to someone. Little did she know how bad that hurt to hear that. Year after year of the same life until dad got sick. He fought for about 6 yrs before dying from cancer. Then it was like a switch was flipped. The person that kept the closet door closed was there no more and even though I didn't open that door, the wife did. She went and had an affair. It was like she set everything in motion to be free. It was a year and half before it all ended for us when she filed for divorce. It was all over now. I was completely terrified. I was alone trying to figure out what to do. I thought about and tried to keep living the lie, but I did a slow turn and accepted who I was. I went online to some chat rooms I found, that weren't porn related, and gained some friends that way and still stay in touch with some of them. My first and actual "boyfriend" I met in a chat room. It took a few months of emailing and talking on the phone before we finally decided to meet. On our first meeting I drove to Cleveland and we actually drove to Mass to P-Town for the weekend. Of all places to go on our first meet, it was there. I totally loved it. I was scared to be with a guy for the first time, but I also felt so free finally. For the first time, a guy said, "I love you" to me. I never felt so alive and good after hearing that. Thinking back, it was rare for the ex-wife to say that to me and when she did there was nothing behind it. Like with all relationships, distance makes it more difficult. Since we couldn't maintain one on a regular basis he had to let go of it. That hurt was so incredible. They say you never forget your first love, and that is so true. So much time has past since then and I'm getting to the point in life, I guess I"m angry I never came out when I wanted to, missed all the fun times as a gay teen and it's something I can never get back and time keeps moving forward. I block out as much anger as I can and try not to wish I could be young again and have fun like everyone else, but it's too strong sometimes. I've lost so much these past 4 yrs that it's messed me up emotionally I think. I'm stuck in the house taking care of a family member in the middle of no where trying to get my own life back together, but always going backwards. I'm losing that battle though. I injured my back 4 yrs ago and since then it's only gotten worse to where now it's surgery, but the rehab doctor said that may not even work now it's been injured so long. So my life is limited in that respect so being the fun loving outgoing let's do risky stuff is over with. One wrong move and it's back to the pain drugs. My doctor has tried 4 different anti-depressants on me to no avail, but we've stuck to one finally that is decent, although I may need to have that increased. I just need to get over this being so mad/angry about losing all that part of my life because I hid. But I can't. You watch TV and see the young guys in love, in the gay movies they are always in love and out with their families. You go online and see love and flirting and everything you missed out on all comes flooding back again. I know I can't change time and make my life out how I wished it had been. Don't think a pill has been invented for that yet.  I guess I'm just tired of feeling stuck here, no prospects for love in my life or at least I feel that way. I suppose you have to put yourself out there first if you want to find someone. But at the same time I won't put myself out there because I feel trapped where I am and can't go anywhere. This whole existence is a vicious circle. All I do is take drugs and more drugs only to remain in that trapped feeling. I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being alone and it may sound harsh, but I'm sick of my family. (insert screams here) I have a friend in Los Angeles who wants me to move out there and she said she'd help me find someone to make me happy. She knows I'm a sucker for Latino men and she has many friends for me to meet and just be around. On a side note, my first love I had is Latino. I truly think, getting away from here, getting my life back together, being around "guys" and girls in general and making many friends will do more for me than all these drugs. Well there you have it........I did the best I could because most of the time I'm in a fog and goofy from the pills. So if a sentence doesn't make sense I apologize. If anyone feels in the same boat and just needs to vent I'm always home and close to my computer and my iPhone never leaves my side, so feel free to email anytime to unload on me. Maybe I can help someone else in the mean time while I'm working on myself. Hey guess what, it's almost pill time again. Yay....oh well...... PS....there is more missing to my saga, but that is another chapter. Hugs to all, and I know, everything will be alright, we just have to deal with it and make the best of the situation. Mike |
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Jun 29, 2014 18:50:52 GMT -6
Mike,
I am so sorry that you were not able to come out when you wanted to and have the younger years you dreamed of having. I have been there in some way. I got married young, 18 and had my first daughter when I was 19. My ex-husband was VERY controlling and abusive and at the time I was very scared of even the thought of walking away. We moved to Cheboygan on our first deployment with the Coast Guard and he ripped me away from my family and everything I had ever known in a matter of days. When he finally went to prison for domestic violence and some other stuff and got himself kicked out of the Coast Guard, I was free. I was finally able to find myself again. I had a voice and I was able to be me, but like you I had missed out on so much because he was so controlling and I was so fearful. He took away my college years and all the memories I could have had with that, he took away my early 20's because I was a single mom, so now at 27 I look back and long for the time I could be random and do what I want, but on the same note my life now is amazing! I have a wonderful husband and two amazing little girls, I have an amazing best friend in Matt and I am so blessed that he asked me to help him run this company. So I can tell you from experience that it does get better! You will find your happy ever after!! Just ask Matt about my track record of happy ever afters!! It may not be tomorrow or even this year but it will happen! Keep your head up and stay strong, and when the days are just too much that is what we are here for!
Much Love,
Rae**
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Post by n8vdude on Jul 6, 2014 13:26:17 GMT -6
Don't know where to start. What do you do when you have so much anger from losing so much of your teens and the best years of you life hiding in the "closet". My family was strict. Not the yes ma'am no sir kind of strict, but the you do what your told or else kind of strict. Dad was Catholic and half German and half Polish. It was rare to see him smile. When he barked out an order you knew you'd better move because he was quick with his belt. I knew in my early teens I was gay. I didn't even think about coming out to my family. Not with dad being the patriarch. You hear so much of teens now coming out to their parents and being accepted easily, but some aren't and are beaten or kicked out. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't favor both of those happening to me. I did was what expected of me and had a girlfriend. For years I did the act to keep everyone happy. Nothing was wrong in our family. I did the family thing all the way to getting married, kids and the happy home thing to the end. The whole time, thinking about guys. What would it be like to be with one. All the while, the wife would make "faggot" remarks in reference to someone. Little did she know how bad that hurt to hear that. Year after year of the same life until dad got sick. He fought for about 6 yrs before dying from cancer. Then it was like a switch was flipped. The person that kept the closet door closed was there no more and even though I didn't open that door, the wife did. She went and had an affair. It was like she set everything in motion to be free. It was a year and half before it all ended for us when she filed for divorce. It was all over now. I was completely terrified. I was alone trying to figure out what to do. I thought about and tried to keep living the lie, but I did a slow turn and accepted who I was. I went online to some chat rooms I found, that weren't porn related, and gained some friends that way and still stay in touch with some of them. My first and actual "boyfriend" I met in a chat room. It took a few months of emailing and talking on the phone before we finally decided to meet. On our first meeting I drove to Cleveland and we actually drove to Mass to P-Town for the weekend. Of all places to go on our first meet, it was there. I totally loved it. I was scared to be with a guy for the first time, but I also felt so free finally. For the first time, a guy said, "I love you" to me. I never felt so alive and good after hearing that. Thinking back, it was rare for the ex-wife to say that to me and when she did there was nothing behind it. Like with all relationships, distance makes it more difficult. Since we couldn't maintain one on a regular basis he had to let go of it. That hurt was so incredible. They say you never forget your first love, and that is so true. So much time has past since then and I'm getting to the point in life, I guess I"m angry I never came out when I wanted to, missed all the fun times as a gay teen and it's something I can never get back and time keeps moving forward. I block out as much anger as I can and try not to wish I could be young again and have fun like everyone else, but it's too strong sometimes. I've lost so much these past 4 yrs that it's messed me up emotionally I think. I'm stuck in the house taking care of a family member in the middle of no where trying to get my own life back together, but always going backwards. I'm losing that battle though. I injured my back 4 yrs ago and since then it's only gotten worse to where now it's surgery, but the rehab doctor said that may not even work now it's been injured so long. So my life is limited in that respect so being the fun loving outgoing let's do risky stuff is over with. One wrong move and it's back to the pain drugs. My doctor has tried 4 different anti-depressants on me to no avail, but we've stuck to one finally that is decent, although I may need to have that increased. I just need to get over this being so mad/angry about losing all that part of my life because I hid. But I can't. You watch TV and see the young guys in love, in the gay movies they are always in love and out with their families. You go online and see love and flirting and everything you missed out on all comes flooding back again. I know I can't change time and make my life out how I wished it had been. Don't think a pill has been invented for that yet. I guess I'm just tired of feeling stuck here, no prospects for love in my life or at least I feel that way. I suppose you have to put yourself out there first if you want to find someone. But at the same time I won't put myself out there because I feel trapped where I am and can't go anywhere. This whole existence is a vicious circle. All I do is take drugs and more drugs only to remain in that trapped feeling. I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being alone and it may sound harsh, but I'm sick of my family. (insert screams here) I have a friend in Los Angeles who wants me to move out there and she said she'd help me find someone to make me happy. She knows I'm a sucker for Latino men and she has many friends for me to meet and just be around. On a side note, my first love I had is Latino. I truly think, getting away from here, getting my life back together, being around "guys" and girls in general and making many friends will do more for me than all these drugs. Well there you have it........I did the best I could because most of the time I'm in a fog and goofy from the pills. So if a sentence doesn't make sense I apologize. If anyone feels in the same boat and just needs to vent I'm always home and close to my computer and my iPhone never leaves my side, so feel free to email anytime to unload on me. Maybe I can help someone else in the mean time while I'm working on myself. Hey guess what, it's almost pill time again. Yay....oh well...... PS....there is more missing to my saga, but that is another chapter. Hugs to all, and I know, everything will be alright, we just have to deal with it and make the best of the situation. Mike Mike- I feel for you buddy. I truly do. Being one of the older guys here on the forum, I've seen it all - far too many times. You'd think I'd be inured to it all - instead it makes the shared pain all that more acute. The point becomes finer with each retelling. Your story, while unique to you, has threads that stem from quite a few lgbt people from before (I am speaking easily of reaching back into the seventies or eighties here). Not sure when you were going through all of this but what I can tell you is that love, no matter how much you wish for it, will NOT find you on an island. You have to find it within you to move into the spotlight of life again. You're probably right in that the drugs are only helping to keep you back (in a way). If you had someone to share the pain and the isolation you feel the drugs may not be as crucial to bringing you some much needed relief. Just posting here is reaching out. That's a good thing. Try not to harbor or belabor what you've missed, instead do what you can to pick up the reins and dive back in. It may be arduous, it may be painful in that you know you're putting yourself out there but let me put it into a light that might make it easier for you to do. Say you're feeling stuck and isolated where you are. Do you even consider that there is probably some love worthy guy out there who might be feeling the same thing? Might feel that he's going through the motions going out trying to find that special someone who has the same values and ideals you have. But guess what? It's gonna be a lot tougher for him to find you if you keep to yourself. I know that part is hard. I get it, I truly do. But think of it rather than a monumental effort your putting in, think of it more as an investment in everything that is good about you. What do I see, just from your words and the sole picture you've posted? A compassionate, caring and deeply feeling individual. One that would love rather fearlessly - if only to make up for lost time. One who would take that man in is life and offer such love and devotion that he'd never have a question of how you felt. Your words (and the implied meaning underneath them are STRONG). They are a testament to what a good person you are. Invest in that. Invest in love and do what you should do. I can't claim to know what your schedule is like. What your life is like. But somehow, if it's as important to you as you seem to express it, then you have to find a path to seek him out. Meet him half way. I know they say you can't find love - it has to find you. Yeah, well, they're right about that in many respects, but love has to be able to FIND you. To do that you have to put yourself in a social setting so the opportunity is there. It may not happen the first time, or the second. But it will happen. And you know what? It gets easier each time you do it. It becomes familiar to you. Anyway, your story touched me. I've had the benefit of having two great men in my life. A boyfriend for ten years and when we parted it was as good friends (neither of us wanting it to go sour because we had invested 10 years of our lives together - it just sort of branched off in different directions. No harm, no foul on either of us - it just was what it was). Now I've been together with the same man for 20 years (this September). We have kids and GRANDkids for Chrissake. I NEVER thought that would be my life and yet here it is... Wanna know how I met the man of my life? Here's the clincher to my tale - I met him online in a Native American chat room (we are both native) chatting about Native sovereignty rights issues. He was married with kids but his married life was going nowhere. He practically lived in the office/garage while the family moved on about him. He was in an emotive prison as it were. I was in San Diego, he in San Francisco. When my relationship with my boyfriend was slowly ebbing from me I found so much in common with the trapped married man and we began a very lengthy email/IM session that eventually led to phone calls that went well into the night. Then I went to SF to meet him. Eventually I moved there and he divorced his wife (who was an uber biotch) and we had the kids. I eventually married him legally in 2008 when it was okay to do so for the six month window that was there at the time. September 14th (his birthday, no less) is our 20th anniversary. His story parallels yours in many ways. I found him. And if you think that was an easy path, buddy you better think again. There were so many times when I should've or could've thrown in the towel. But he was worth it. We haven't had so much as a knock-down drag out fight in those 20 years. He completes me in every way imaginable. I can't imagine my life without him. But my point - and what I hope you take away from this was that he had to put himself out there. He had to take a chance and speak to me in that chat room. Otherwise we would've missed each other entirely. 20 years of happiness that almost never was. That is something I keep very close to my heart and cherish that I responded to his simple IM while everyone was going on about aboriginal rights in this country. That little IM changed my life. So you never know when it will spark - BUT YOU HAVE TO INVEST IN YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF enough to put it out there. Somehow, some way. Hell, I think you're a f'n gem of a guy. Who wouldn't want that? That's MY take away. Anyway, you can reach me at sacollins@sacollins.com (I am an aspiring author writing m/m gay lit fic across multiple genres) and while that's my pen name (my nom de plume, as it were) it is the email address I monitor the most. I am here for ya to vent, blab at, cajole or tease at your whim. All my best - XO (BIG ONES AT THAT) Will |
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Post by NorthernWolf (Mike) on Jul 8, 2014 16:44:03 GMT -6
Don't know where to start. What do you do when you have so much anger from losing so much of your teens and the best years of you life hiding in the "closet". My family was strict. Not the yes ma'am no sir kind of strict, but the you do what your told or else kind of strict. Dad was Catholic and half German and half Polish. It was rare to see him smile. When he barked out an order you knew you'd better move because he was quick with his belt. I knew in my early teens I was gay. I didn't even think about coming out to my family. Not with dad being the patriarch. You hear so much of teens now coming out to their parents and being accepted easily, but some aren't and are beaten or kicked out. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't favor both of those happening to me. I did was what expected of me and had a girlfriend. For years I did the act to keep everyone happy. Nothing was wrong in our family. I did the family thing all the way to getting married, kids and the happy home thing to the end. The whole time, thinking about guys. What would it be like to be with one. All the while, the wife would make "faggot" remarks in reference to someone. Little did she know how bad that hurt to hear that. Year after year of the same life until dad got sick. He fought for about 6 yrs before dying from cancer. Then it was like a switch was flipped. The person that kept the closet door closed was there no more and even though I didn't open that door, the wife did. She went and had an affair. It was like she set everything in motion to be free. It was a year and half before it all ended for us when she filed for divorce. It was all over now. I was completely terrified. I was alone trying to figure out what to do. I thought about and tried to keep living the lie, but I did a slow turn and accepted who I was. I went online to some chat rooms I found, that weren't porn related, and gained some friends that way and still stay in touch with some of them. My first and actual "boyfriend" I met in a chat room. It took a few months of emailing and talking on the phone before we finally decided to meet. On our first meeting I drove to Cleveland and we actually drove to Mass to P-Town for the weekend. Of all places to go on our first meet, it was there. I totally loved it. I was scared to be with a guy for the first time, but I also felt so free finally. For the first time, a guy said, "I love you" to me. I never felt so alive and good after hearing that. Thinking back, it was rare for the ex-wife to say that to me and when she did there was nothing behind it. Like with all relationships, distance makes it more difficult. Since we couldn't maintain one on a regular basis he had to let go of it. That hurt was so incredible. They say you never forget your first love, and that is so true. So much time has past since then and I'm getting to the point in life, I guess I"m angry I never came out when I wanted to, missed all the fun times as a gay teen and it's something I can never get back and time keeps moving forward. I block out as much anger as I can and try not to wish I could be young again and have fun like everyone else, but it's too strong sometimes. I've lost so much these past 4 yrs that it's messed me up emotionally I think. I'm stuck in the house taking care of a family member in the middle of no where trying to get my own life back together, but always going backwards. I'm losing that battle though. I injured my back 4 yrs ago and since then it's only gotten worse to where now it's surgery, but the rehab doctor said that may not even work now it's been injured so long. So my life is limited in that respect so being the fun loving outgoing let's do risky stuff is over with. One wrong move and it's back to the pain drugs. My doctor has tried 4 different anti-depressants on me to no avail, but we've stuck to one finally that is decent, although I may need to have that increased. I just need to get over this being so mad/angry about losing all that part of my life because I hid. But I can't. You watch TV and see the young guys in love, in the gay movies they are always in love and out with their families. You go online and see love and flirting and everything you missed out on all comes flooding back again. I know I can't change time and make my life out how I wished it had been. Don't think a pill has been invented for that yet. I guess I'm just tired of feeling stuck here, no prospects for love in my life or at least I feel that way. I suppose you have to put yourself out there first if you want to find someone. But at the same time I won't put myself out there because I feel trapped where I am and can't go anywhere. This whole existence is a vicious circle. All I do is take drugs and more drugs only to remain in that trapped feeling. I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being alone and it may sound harsh, but I'm sick of my family. (insert screams here) I have a friend in Los Angeles who wants me to move out there and she said she'd help me find someone to make me happy. She knows I'm a sucker for Latino men and she has many friends for me to meet and just be around. On a side note, my first love I had is Latino. I truly think, getting away from here, getting my life back together, being around "guys" and girls in general and making many friends will do more for me than all these drugs. Well there you have it........I did the best I could because most of the time I'm in a fog and goofy from the pills. So if a sentence doesn't make sense I apologize. If anyone feels in the same boat and just needs to vent I'm always home and close to my computer and my iPhone never leaves my side, so feel free to email anytime to unload on me. Maybe I can help someone else in the mean time while I'm working on myself. Hey guess what, it's almost pill time again. Yay....oh well...... PS....there is more missing to my saga, but that is another chapter. Hugs to all, and I know, everything will be alright, we just have to deal with it and make the best of the situation. Mike Mike- I feel for you buddy. I truly do. Being one of the older guys here on the forum, I've seen it all - far too many times. You'd think I'd be inured to it all - instead it makes the shared pain all that more acute. The point becomes finer with each retelling. Your story, while unique to you, has threads that stem from quite a few lgbt people from before (I am speaking easily of reaching back into the seventies or eighties here). Not sure when you were going through all of this but what I can tell you is that love, no matter how much you wish for it, will NOT find you on an island. You have to find it within you to move into the spotlight of life again. You're probably right in that the drugs are only helping to keep you back (in a way). If you had someone to share the pain and the isolation you feel the drugs may not be as crucial to bringing you some much needed relief. Just posting here is reaching out. That's a good thing. Try not to harbor or belabor what you've missed, instead do what you can to pick up the reins and dive back in. It may be arduous, it may be painful in that you know you're putting yourself out there but let me put it into a light that might make it easier for you to do. Say you're feeling stuck and isolated where you are. Do you even consider that there is probably some love worthy guy out there who might be feeling the same thing? Might feel that he's going through the motions going out trying to find that special someone who has the same values and ideals you have. But guess what? It's gonna be a lot tougher for him to find you if you keep to yourself. I know that part is hard. I get it, I truly do. But think of it rather than a monumental effort your putting in, think of it more as an investment in everything that is good about you. What do I see, just from your words and the sole picture you've posted? A compassionate, caring and deeply feeling individual. One that would love rather fearlessly - if only to make up for lost time. One who would take that man in is life and offer such love and devotion that he'd never have a question of how you felt. Your words (and the implied meaning underneath them are STRONG). They are a testament to what a good person you are. Invest in that. Invest in love and do what you should do. I can't claim to know what your schedule is like. What your life is like. But somehow, if it's as important to you as you seem to express it, then you have to find a path to seek him out. Meet him half way. I know they say you can't find love - it has to find you. Yeah, well, they're right about that in many respects, but love has to be able to FIND you. To do that you have to put yourself in a social setting so the opportunity is there. It may not happen the first time, or the second. But it will happen. And you know what? It gets easier each time you do it. It becomes familiar to you. Anyway, your story touched me. I've had the benefit of having two great men in my life. A boyfriend for ten years and when we parted it was as good friends (neither of us wanting it to go sour because we had invested 10 years of our lives together - it just sort of branched off in different directions. No harm, no foul on either of us - it just was what it was). Now I've been together with the same man for 20 years (this September). We have kids and GRANDkids for Chrissake. I NEVER thought that would be my life and yet here it is... Wanna know how I met the man of my life? Here's the clincher to my tale - I met him online in a Native American chat room (we are both native) chatting about Native sovereignty rights issues. He was married with kids but his married life was going nowhere. He practically lived in the office/garage while the family moved on about him. He was in an emotive prison as it were. I was in San Diego, he in San Francisco. When my relationship with my boyfriend was slowly ebbing from me I found so much in common with the trapped married man and we began a very lengthy email/IM session that eventually led to phone calls that went well into the night. Then I went to SF to meet him. Eventually I moved there and he divorced his wife (who was an uber biotch) and we had the kids. I eventually married him legally in 2008 when it was okay to do so for the six month window that was there at the time. September 14th (his birthday, no less) is our 20th anniversary. His story parallels yours in many ways. I found him. And if you think that was an easy path, buddy you better think again. There were so many times when I should've or could've thrown in the towel. But he was worth it. We haven't had so much as a knock-down drag out fight in those 20 years. He completes me in every way imaginable. I can't imagine my life without him. But my point - and what I hope you take away from this was that he had to put himself out there. He had to take a chance and speak to me in that chat room. Otherwise we would've missed each other entirely. 20 years of happiness that almost never was. That is something I keep very close to my heart and cherish that I responded to his simple IM while everyone was going on about aboriginal rights in this country. That little IM changed my life. So you never know when it will spark - BUT YOU HAVE TO INVEST IN YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF enough to put it out there. Somehow, some way. Hell, I think you're a f'n gem of a guy. Who wouldn't want that? That's MY take away. Anyway, you can reach me at sacollins@sacollins.com (I am an aspiring author writing m/m gay lit fic across multiple genres) and while that's my pen name (my nom de plume, as it were) it is the email address I monitor the most. I am here for ya to vent, blab at, cajole or tease at your whim. All my best - XO (BIG ONES AT THAT) Will It's amazing how you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, my heart rules everything about me and that isn't beneficial sometimes. You're right, I give everything I can. Another mistake, it can't be all just one sided. I'm not going to sit by a computer screen waiting for that much anticipated reply back, be it text, IM or chat room. I do need to go at it with everything I have and if I have to step over the ones that think flings and emotionless hook ups are the thing, then they have no idea what they are missing out of life. I'm so sappy, I even do the ordering flowers thing to have delivered to him. Done that on a few occasions. Don't know why, but that gives me so much joy when I do something like that. Well, I guess it's time to wake my sister up so she can be awake for a few hours so I can make dinner. Yup, I do all the cooking and cleaning and yard work too. So there you have me, I guess you could say I'm the wife, the lover and sometimes the sap, but hey, like you said don't give up and keep going. Sometimes I think owning my own home and living where I do isn't worth the loneliness that goes along with it. LA is looking so good to me more and more each day. Hugs, Mike |
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Post by Drew Steller on Jul 29, 2014 21:48:49 GMT -6
Hi Mike: Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. I think most of the older members here understand what it’s like living in the closet at one point or another in their lives. What it’s like knowing that some of the best years of your life have been lived not to its fullest potential. Both my adopted parents are hardcore Christians, and my mom was this sweet Irish woman who followed my German dad everywhere and supported every one of his causes and decisions like a one-woman cheerleading squad. We lived in a very small town with my two step brothers. When you grow up in small town like mine, so cut off from the rest of the world, half the time, you feel like the edge of the town is as far as you’ll ever get. And when you find out that you’re gay at 13, it could feel like the world is ending. Especially when it is in the 80s, and it was completely OK for people to hurt us, call us names and even make fun of us on TV. My story is a little different from yours. I was given a front row view of what would happen to me if I ever came out to my parents. My eldest step brother Marcus was caught fooling around with a boy when I was around 13. He was beaten, disowned and kicked out of the house like a piece of trash. I think human beings, especially children, have such amazing abilities to adapt to their environments in order to survive. Gay children learn from a very young age that they’re different, and for those of us who grew up in an environment where our honesty is almost certain to be met with hostility, we learn quickly to hide who we are. So I spent the next few years of my life hiding from my family, and all of my religious friends. As much as I tried to be the perfect adopted son my parents expected me to be, I knew I’d go crazy if I didn’t allow myself to live the life I was supposed to live. My school’s library and this old lady librarian became my best friends. I took the first chance I got to get out of the miserable town I grew up in. I ran all the way to Europe to get away from my old life. I came out to my family in a letter I left with my mom on the day I took off. I cannot remember much of what I wrote in that letter, but I remember thanking my parents endlessly for having raised me as one of their own. I remember telling them how traumatizing, maddening and shocking it was to have to witnessed what they did to my brother, and that it was OK if they wanted to disown me. I worked like crazy to put myself through college, and the only reminder of my old life when I was there? I still hear people making fun of LGBT people. Terms like fudge packers, dick lovers etc were being thrown around freely. Some of my friends there eventually learned to shut their mouths when I unapologetically told them that I was gay, and that they could go do many unpleasant things to themselves if they had a problem with my sexuality. I think it is really unfair that you have to live in the closet for so long. May I assume that you stayed in the closet for so long at least partly out of love and sense of duty toward your parents? And when that switch went off after your dad’s passing, it was as if your heart knew that it was OK to finally let go of that sense of duty you held onto for so long out of love for your parents? Your ex wife definitely did you a huge favor by cheating on you. I can only hope that whatever time you two have shared as husband and wife, no matter how briefly, was at least an amicable one. It was an amazing step you took, allowing yourself to finally fully accept who you are. And being alone again after having been with someone for so long, it is definitely not easy. Your first boyfriend sounded like a true gem. Although most of us are not cut out for a place like P-Town, it can be a great way to break away from whatever chains you have tied yourself to, or masks you have gotten so used to wearing while you were still in the closet. Eventhough your relationship didn’t last, everything that is beautiful and wonderful about him will stay with you forever. I understand your anger for not being able to come out when you wanted to. No one should ever be denied the life they deserve to live. But the important thing here is that you did come out. There are so many men out there who never did, and probably never will. Imagine how miserable their lives will be, until the very end. One of my boyfriends from many years ago confessed that I was his first, and he was turning 38 that year. After witnessing what happened to my brother Marcus, I can’t say that I wished that I came out sooner. The world to this day can still be a very dangerous place for LGBT people, and I still tell all the young men and women who approached me to be really careful with the people they choose to disclose their sexual orientation to. You don’t need to be a fun loving, outgoing, let’s-do-something-crazy guy to have someone in your life. We maybe homosexual men, but we are still men after all. And we should not need to look a certain way or behave a certain way in order to be loved or accepted. A man who chooses to love you shall love you for all that you are, injured back and all. I met this crazy Australian a few years ago who looked like he fell out of a magazine cover, with biceps larger than my head. He bungee jumps on a monthly basis, speaks fluent Japanese, flies across jungles in Thailand on wires and drenches himself with Vodka until 5 AM in the morning. And yet, he’s still single, and he was already well into his 40s. He’s probably still out there looking for his Mr. Right tonight. There is no need to compare yourself to the younger generations. Although there are many of them who are going through the same nightmares we did when we were younger, there is also a group who will never experience the kind of fear, rejection and discrimination we experienced, because they are born into familes that are more accepting of our kind. Eventhough they may never understand what you went through or what you're currently going through, I am very grateful that they were born into such loving families. And gay movies? They’re as made up as any one of those straight romantic comedies, probably even more. These movies are made by people who wanted to make our lives (and their lives) more bearable. You have already put yourself out there once, and you have already found someone. Just put yourself out there again, and in time, you will find that second someone. Don’t worry about the time you have lost, just worry about the time you still have. Maybe you should get your doctor to adjust your meds a little so you don’t feel so dazed all the time. That’s no way to live a life. You shouldn’t need to spend any more time with your family than you have to. You should spend time with people who understand who you are and where you’re coming from. There are no pills in this world that can replace camaraderie, friendship and of course, lovers. And as for those time travel pills, let me know when you find some Drew |
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Jul 30, 2014 0:04:04 GMT -6
Drew,
What an amazing story! You have amazing strength and I admire that! What amazing advice you gave Mike and I'm really happy you joined the forum and are actively posting! You are exactly the type of person we love having on the forums! Matt and I created this place to be a loving, judgement free zone and these are the types of posts we LOVE to see! Keep it Up!
Much Love,
Rae**
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Post by Drew Steller on Jul 30, 2014 1:31:34 GMT -6
Hey Rae:
Thanks so much for your kind words! You have amazing strength as well, surviving your first husband the way you did, and with a daughter no less. It still amazes me everyday to learn something new about what a mother could do and endure to protect their children. I'm so glad that you have found a kind, loving man in your second husband.
With Love,
Drew
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Post by Drew Steller on Jul 30, 2014 2:04:11 GMT -6
Mike- I feel for you buddy. I truly do. Being one of the older guys here on the forum, I've seen it all - far too many times. You'd think I'd be inured to it all - instead it makes the shared pain all that more acute. The point becomes finer with each retelling. Your story, while unique to you, has threads that stem from quite a few lgbt people from before (I am speaking easily of reaching back into the seventies or eighties here). Not sure when you were going through all of this but what I can tell you is that love, no matter how much you wish for it, will NOT find you on an island. You have to find it within you to move into the spotlight of life again. You're probably right in that the drugs are only helping to keep you back (in a way). If you had someone to share the pain and the isolation you feel the drugs may not be as crucial to bringing you some much needed relief. Just posting here is reaching out. That's a good thing. Try not to harbor or belabor what you've missed, instead do what you can to pick up the reins and dive back in. It may be arduous, it may be painful in that you know you're putting yourself out there but let me put it into a light that might make it easier for you to do. Say you're feeling stuck and isolated where you are. Do you even consider that there is probably some love worthy guy out there who might be feeling the same thing? Might feel that he's going through the motions going out trying to find that special someone who has the same values and ideals you have. But guess what? It's gonna be a lot tougher for him to find you if you keep to yourself. I know that part is hard. I get it, I truly do. But think of it rather than a monumental effort your putting in, think of it more as an investment in everything that is good about you. What do I see, just from your words and the sole picture you've posted? A compassionate, caring and deeply feeling individual. One that would love rather fearlessly - if only to make up for lost time. One who would take that man in is life and offer such love and devotion that he'd never have a question of how you felt. Your words (and the implied meaning underneath them are STRONG). They are a testament to what a good person you are. Invest in that. Invest in love and do what you should do. I can't claim to know what your schedule is like. What your life is like. But somehow, if it's as important to you as you seem to express it, then you have to find a path to seek him out. Meet him half way. I know they say you can't find love - it has to find you. Yeah, well, they're right about that in many respects, but love has to be able to FIND you. To do that you have to put yourself in a social setting so the opportunity is there. It may not happen the first time, or the second. But it will happen. And you know what? It gets easier each time you do it. It becomes familiar to you. Anyway, your story touched me. I've had the benefit of having two great men in my life. A boyfriend for ten years and when we parted it was as good friends (neither of us wanting it to go sour because we had invested 10 years of our lives together - it just sort of branched off in different directions. No harm, no foul on either of us - it just was what it was). Now I've been together with the same man for 20 years (this September). We have kids and GRANDkids for Chrissake. I NEVER thought that would be my life and yet here it is... Wanna know how I met the man of my life? Here's the clincher to my tale - I met him online in a Native American chat room (we are both native) chatting about Native sovereignty rights issues. He was married with kids but his married life was going nowhere. He practically lived in the office/garage while the family moved on about him. He was in an emotive prison as it were. I was in San Diego, he in San Francisco. When my relationship with my boyfriend was slowly ebbing from me I found so much in common with the trapped married man and we began a very lengthy email/IM session that eventually led to phone calls that went well into the night. Then I went to SF to meet him. Eventually I moved there and he divorced his wife (who was an uber biotch) and we had the kids. I eventually married him legally in 2008 when it was okay to do so for the six month window that was there at the time. September 14th (his birthday, no less) is our 20th anniversary. His story parallels yours in many ways. I found him. And if you think that was an easy path, buddy you better think again. There were so many times when I should've or could've thrown in the towel. But he was worth it. We haven't had so much as a knock-down drag out fight in those 20 years. He completes me in every way imaginable. I can't imagine my life without him. But my point - and what I hope you take away from this was that he had to put himself out there. He had to take a chance and speak to me in that chat room. Otherwise we would've missed each other entirely. 20 years of happiness that almost never was. That is something I keep very close to my heart and cherish that I responded to his simple IM while everyone was going on about aboriginal rights in this country. That little IM changed my life. So you never know when it will spark - BUT YOU HAVE TO INVEST IN YOURSELF and LOVE YOURSELF enough to put it out there. Somehow, some way. Hell, I think you're a f'n gem of a guy. Who wouldn't want that? That's MY take away. Anyway, you can reach me at sacollins@sacollins.com (I am an aspiring author writing m/m gay lit fic across multiple genres) and while that's my pen name (my nom de plume, as it were) it is the email address I monitor the most. I am here for ya to vent, blab at, cajole or tease at your whim. All my best - XO (BIG ONES AT THAT) Will It's amazing how you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately, my heart rules everything about me and that isn't beneficial sometimes. You're right, I give everything I can. Another mistake, it can't be all just one sided. I'm not going to sit by a computer screen waiting for that much anticipated reply back, be it text, IM or chat room. I do need to go at it with everything I have and if I have to step over the ones that think flings and emotionless hook ups are the thing, then they have no idea what they are missing out of life. I'm so sappy, I even do the ordering flowers thing to have delivered to him. Done that on a few occasions. Don't know why, but that gives me so much joy when I do something like that. Well, I guess it's time to wake my sister up so she can be awake for a few hours so I can make dinner. Yup, I do all the cooking and cleaning and yard work too. So there you have me, I guess you could say I'm the wife, the lover and sometimes the sap, but hey, like you said don't give up and keep going. Sometimes I think owning my own home and living where I do isn't worth the loneliness that goes along with it. LA is looking so good to me more and more each day. Hugs, Mike Hey Mike: Don't ever worry about letting your heart rule everything about you. You must never hold back on who you are when it comes to matters of the heart. No one ever looks back and say: "Geez, I wished I loved a little less so I didn't get my heart stomped so badly that time". They will say: "I know I am capable of great love because I cried and cried when that SOB broke my heart." Love is always cruel when it is unrequited, and trust me when I tell you that most of us have lived through many of them. But when we love without reservation, that is when we truly feel alive. There is no need to waste time with people who are not looking for what you're looking for. If flings and hook-ups are what they're after, just let them know it's been great and move onto someone else. Ordering flowers and having them delivered to a man you love gives you so much joy because you are expressing your love toward that man with all your heart, in the way that you're wired to love a man from day one. There's nothing greater than what fills up your heart when you love someone like that, regardless of whether that someone loves you back. Gay men everywhere would be lucky to have you. You love like people love in romance novels, and you cook, clean and do all the yard work. Most of the LA guys I know need four seperate people to do all that. Drew |
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Jul 30, 2014 14:41:21 GMT -6
Hey Rae: Thanks so much for your kind words! You have amazing strength as well, surviving your first husband the way you did, and with a daughter no less. It still amazes me everyday to learn something new about what a mother could do and endure to protect their children. I'm so glad that you have found a kind, loving man in your second husband. With Love, Drew Drew, He truly is an amazing man and has loved my daughter as his own from day one. Now we have two beautiful daughters since the birth of our first daughter together in 2010. I didn't know how strong I was until I had to go through that, and trust me I have had a lot in my life that has tested my strength. I am so blessed to be Co-Founder of this amazing company and that Matt asked me to be his partner in this, helping people even if in a small way enriches my life so much! Much Love, Rae** |
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I guess I'm just tired of feeling stuck here, no prospects for love in my life or at least I feel that way. I suppose you have to put yourself out there first if you want to find someone. But at the same time I won't put myself out there because I feel trapped where I am and can't go anywhere. This whole existence is a vicious circle. All I do is take drugs and more drugs only to remain in that trapped feeling. I'm sick of taking pills, I'm sick of being alone and it may sound harsh, but I'm sick of my family. (insert screams here) 
