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Post by jepherry on Aug 5, 2014 12:51:48 GMT -6
Hello everyone, I am brand new to this forum so let me give you the full story.
I am male and 22 years old
When I was 13 I first discovered my sexuality, and I knew right from the off that it wasn't typical what I liked, back then my first sexual thing I found was something called female domination, now this was on the internet, I had no girlfriend and I explored that further. About a year after I discovered that, I started noticing the men in these internet videos as well as the women, and i started to feel attracted to both. Then I met my girlfriend (she is still my current one) but I never told her about any of this.
Years go by, she and I have been through a lot in our relationship but we are still together, and my interest stays with female domination and things to that effect. (especially when the women would wear a strapon). But when I turned about 19-22 I was interested in cross dressing, at first it was just a branch of this female domination thing, the women would "force" me to dress up and "please" a guy. and this was enough for a while until very recently. When about a couple months ago I stopped being into the cross dressing as much (though I do still enjoy it) and now I am fantasizing about guys more and more. I am confused as to weather or not I am bi, or gay, and when I told my current girl friend this (same one I have had since I was 13) she said well. If you turn out bi, then we can have an open relationship and you can see men on the side if that is what you want. If you are gay, then we will still be friends, but I need to know as soon as humanly possible.
So when I first told her there were some arguments and eventually she said that. (what I said above) and now I am on a journey to discover myself, am I bi? or gay? I need to know that for sure, I am finding myself currently less attracted to women then I am too men, however, I have never tried anything with a man before so I don't know if this is all in my head or all true. I have used toys but they are not a good indicator of things. It felt good to use the toys for sure, and I do tend to go through fazes (as you can read) however, all of my fazes had something to do with male sex organs. Never just a women, I also find trans gender people very attractive.
My girlfriend though understanding does not like these same things in the bedroom, she likes just I guess you could call it regular sex, and recently that was enough, to have sex with her and have my own fantasies, however as of late we haven't been having much and my fantasies are turning more towards men then they have in the past.
Any advice at all would be fantastic! She is staying at a friends hous until all this is sorted, and well I miss having her around, because despite all this I do love her. I always have and I always will, in form or another.
Thanks!
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Post by n8vdude on Aug 5, 2014 19:41:19 GMT -6
Wow, okay. I'll take a stab at this since I've been around the block more times than I care to recall (just hit the half-century mark a few days ago and I am STILL reeling from that). But here goes:
First off, try not to get caught up with labels to the point that you can't see the forest for the trees (if you know what I mean). You may be on that kinsey scale some where in the middle between both sexes (so the hell what? (and I don't say that to be flippant in any way or make you think I am trivializing your situation - I AM NOT IN ANY WAY DOING THAT - I want to be clear about that)). What I am trying to do is get you to breathe a bit and relax. You aren't going to figure anything out under a pressure cooker situation. Nor will it be fair to either YOU or HER if you are under duress to sort this out.
Secondly, and probably more to the point - if men interest you as you've indicated through out your writeup, then you probably are leaning in that direction. The dominating factor you had as a fantasy can easily be attributed (though I should qualify that it isn't an absolute by any stretch of the imagination) to a male trait you were vesting upon women because you were pursuing the hetero normative way that all males seem to go when sex comes into the equation (pursuing women not the dom thing). In your case, it seems to have taken a slant on dominance and submission. Not bizarre I'll let you know that right up front (believe me - in my years and the sexual scenarios I've been in or seen - Dom/Sub can almost be downright vanilla these days - BUT what it does tell me (at least) is that the male trait of being Alpha has threaded its way in your life - whether that dominance was in an actual Male form or a Dominant female. I am trying to separate the 'trait' you were alluding to and separate it for the moment from the physical manifestation (so to speak). The use of strap-ons does lend itself to this line of thinking as well...
Let me put it this way - why this can be so hard to define for you is that each and every man's (or woman's) journey is as varied as the color of our skin, the genetic make up that makes you - you and me - me. No two journeys are always alike. Your realization that you are fixating on maleness now can be your awakening of finding out you are gay(er) than you first realized. There's nothing wrong with that. Your girlfriend represents comfort and stability in that way - so its safe for you to cling to that - but ultimately it serves no one if you can't be true to what you really want between you both (and THAT my boy has to be agreed upon between you two). You can't decide for her no more than she for you.
What I am trying to say is that you are in the wrong place to make this decision with her staying away and "make up you mind as quickly as possible" - that's a clear sign (to me) that you've got an ultimatum. Never good in a relationship when you get to that point. No matter who it is - ultimatums never work (even when they're masked in a "I'll go hide out over here while you stew in your confusing juices and decide if you like dick or not" - phase).
BTW, sidebar - you may think these are phases but all they are are facets of what makes you you. Some will come to the fore and flit around for a bit and recede while others will manifest themselves and establish a solid footing for the rest of your life. They are simply facets of you. What I don't want you to do is obsess about the label - as a very wise poetic singer once said - you can label soup cans - but NOT people. She was right in that. Try NOT to label yourself into something that may ultimately be wrong about you.
Life is meant to be discovered. Maybe this whole thing is a milestone that you need to figure this out on your own (I am not advocating that you break up - I want to be clear about that too- just giving you something to think about). What I am saying is that you can't do it under pressure. Recognize that you can love someone and still go a different way. That doesn't mean you love them any less, just that you love them differently now. Doesn't have to be harmful or have any foul associated with it unless one of those involved is petty about it.
I was with another man for 10 years before I am with the one who I ended up marrying and have been with him now for 20 years. He was married and straight before me (yeah, i recruited and got the toaster oven in the process - that's a bit of humor to lighten things up). My point here is that when I realized that my first partner and I were growing apart I took the more mature road and we had a very long talk. I told him that I didn't want the investment I'd put into our relationship to be for nothing. I'd rather we parted as very good friends, thankful for what we shared and wishing no harm to the other one. It was a lot of crow to swallow - but ultimately I came to realize that your investment in people needs tending to, needs to be nurtured into whatever it will be. I am happy to say that my ex and I are still friends and have a standing date to meet when we're both in our seventies and tell each other what happened after we broke up. What I would like for you takeaway from this is that your relationship with your girlfriend WILL change because it's changing already. Her departure is a strong signal that the course has altered. The cat is out - there is NO putting it back. Despite how many reassurances you give her that that "PHASE" is over now or never came to anything - she will ALWAYS have a shred of doubt about it. Do you really want to live with that between you? And it will fester, my friend. Of that I can assure you. You can tuck it away, you can try to set it aside but ultimately it will come back when you least expect it and it will cut you deeper than you can ever realize. Don't go there.
I am a humanist by nature. I value those I come into contact with. I am not always on this site as much as I should be but I am glad I signed on tonight to see your post.
Pressure cooker moments will not help you, I'm afraid. They will only make you make a rash decision that will give you more pain than you're ready to deal with.
If it were me, I would choose to explore what I am feeling and take the risk that I may lose what is important to me right now (mostly because it wouldn't be fair to HER while I sorted it). It can't be rash, it can't be sped up and put on a time table. Love and sex doesn't work like that (well, I guess sex does cause some of my hooker friends would argue that one and they'd have a point). But hopefully you get my meaning.
If you'd like to talk about it further you can reach me via sacollins@sacollins.com (I am an author and that is the account I monitor most) - my name is Will and just know I care about what you're going through. I've reached a point in my life where I want to help youth (gay, bi, questioning) in any way I can (even if that means just letting you spill your guts for a period until your spent and then finding a well of stuff you didn't know you had and had to spill some more - I'm cool with that).
Feel free to reach out and emotively or intellectually vomit all over my email box if you want to take this offline. I don't mind either way. I'll monitor this post regularly to make sure you have a chance to read it and know someone out here cares and is listening.
Peace bro - it'll all sort itself out. Life just works that way. Whether you want it to or not. We're in a mighty river and we just flow along.
Will
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Post by Matt Stout on Aug 6, 2014 16:17:44 GMT -6
My advice would be to not limit yourself to a label. Be who you are.
However, one thing that stood out to me in your post is that you have grown less attracted to females, and more attracted to males. However you have never "done anything" with a man. Now I am not telling you to go out and start sleeping with random men. However, what I would do would be to experience sexual relations with a man. It may be something you HATE, and you are just attracted to the male physique.
If you are questioning your sexuality, and you think that you may be more attracted to men than ladies, I would physically experience things with a man before making my final decision. Somethings you can not just know, some things you have to experience.
I know when I was going through finding my sexual orientation, I had a girlfriend, and had always had a girlfriend... However, it never seemed "right" There was always something missing. I noticed myself growing more and more attracted to men, and less attracted to ladies. Then it happened, my first real "experience" with a man, and I knew from that point on, that was who I was. I ended my relationship with my girlfriend at the time, and I have been true to myself every since, and I could NOT be more happy.
You are lucky that your girlfriend is as supportive as she is! What ever comes of this situation, at least you know she will always be there for you, even if it is just for emotional support.
So, to wrap this up... Like I said, don't just go out and jump in bed with some strange man, but before you make any decision you need to be sure you experience what your body is wanting. You can not hide your bodies desire. Be true to yourself, and be honest with your girlfriend. Honesty is best in this situation. But do not let her make you feel rushed to make a decision. Take your time, and figure out who you really are.
~Matt
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Post by jepherry on Aug 7, 2014 0:17:33 GMT -6
Well I defiantly don't want to start sleeping with random men and try and find myself that way, I am going to attempt to try and find a man to try all this with, my girl friend is home now. She said after a few days of thought she came up with this idea, if I turned out bi, she would let me have lovers and have an open relationship. If I turn out gay she will be my best friend and we can still support each other emotionally. She is back home now and things are looking up. But now comes the real issue, I am very limited in what I can, I have aspergers and OCD, I don't know how to drive (Not that I can't I just never got around to it) and I take the bus everywhere. Worse still I have never really dated before. My girl friend and I met online and we just kind of always were. Trying to date is definitely a daunting idea and I am just worried that I won't do it right or wrong. Is there a right or wrong? I don't know, Thank you all for your responses, at least I don't feel so alone with my sexuality and my confusion, and up until I tried all this online I did.
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Post by Drew Steller on Aug 7, 2014 23:53:46 GMT -6
Hi Jepherry. No, there's no right way to date a guy (or a girl), period. Be totally honest with your date (like telling him that this is your first time dating a guy), and if he's more experienced, let him take the lead (not just in the sack). Just remember one thing though: most of us LGBT people grow up with alot of insecurities and with very little unconditional love, so as a result, we hurt alot more easily than straight people (or those who have been in a straight relationship for a long time). This is even more true for transgender people (I read that you're into transgender people as well). So be careful with your date's feelings as you are out exploring something that is unfamiliar to you, as it may ultimately turn out to be something that is not for you. Don't rush into anything that you're unsure of. Your girlfriend is to be commended for being so understanding of your confusions, and eventhough it seems that she's rushing you into make a decision, just remember that she has wants and needs too, and the last thing she wants from you is something you cannot give her. And she probably wants to be the last person on the planet to get in the way of something that you were born into this world to experience. Do you have any out-and-proud gay friends? My suggestion to you is that if you do, talk to them. Have an open, honest, heart to heart conversation with them.
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Post by vanessaxo on Sept 4, 2014 5:43:17 GMT -6
Ultimately the label you choose for yourself is up to you. How you identify can change as feelings change. To me personally, it sounds like you are probably bisexual (though you could also identify as pan, poly, queer etc.) You can be multisexual and still prefer one gender over the other. Sexuality isn't completely black and white.
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