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Post by newgirl74 on Oct 10, 2014 11:21:48 GMT -6
Hello,
Please forgive me if this post seems like a lot of rambling. I feel like if I don't get it all out i'm gonna explode...
I'm a 40 year old, I guess BI-sexual woman ( i say that because im still confused. I still am attracted to men. so i guess that makes me bi) All of my relationships have been with men until recently. I have always fantasized about being with a woman but was to scared to do anything about it. I was raised that being gay was bad, dirty and was against Gods way. So every time I thought about doing something with a woman those words came to me and I wouldn't do anything. As my 40th birthday approached, I found I was single and all of a sudden had this attitude that I was going to live my life for me and didnt care what anyone thought. I placed an ad online looking for a lesbian woman that would be my first experience. I loved everything about that night. It just felt right to me and came naturally. That woman that was my first became my girlfriend and we are still together 10 months later.
Right away I told my mom and she was OK with it. As long as i'm happy then shes happy, is what she says. I told my best friend and she said she was OK with it. Over the past 10 months this best friend of mine has turned on me. In one breath she says shes ok with it all and then in the next breath she is saying such awful things about my girlfriend. Me and my friend went away for the weekend during the summer and while we were gone that's when she said so many terrible things about my girlfriend. I was speechless and didn't know what to say. I feel like she stuck a knife in my heart. I still feel so hurt from her. We still talk. She goes on like nothing happened. Mind you she was drinking that night so shes probably going with that she doesn't remember. I find im pulling away from my friend because I really don't want anyone around me that can be that Judgmental and mean. Its very hard pulling away because we have been friends for so many years.
I have also lost another friend that was ok with me having a girlfriend till his wife preached to me about religion and how i was going to go to hell unless I repent my sins. I don't talk to these friends anymore because of this.
I have not fully come out. The more friends I seem to tell, they turn on me or say there ok but really aren't. I don't have very many friends so right now I feel so alone because I've already said goodbye to some and the other friend im trying to pull away from so im not gonna tell her anything.
I have two sons and I'm terrified to tell them. I think they will be ok with it, the problem will be with their dad (my ex husband). He will find some way to blame me being gay with ruining our kids life. Hes such a drama king and will find any little thing to explode it into something it doesn't need to be. We have a mutual lesbian couple that our friends with both us. Hes ok with them being around our kids but he'll find a reason for it not to be ok with me being gay.
The more adults that are mean and judging of me really makes it hard to tell my boys. I don't want to loose them. That's not an option for me, yet I don't want to only see my girlfriend on the days they are at their dads. That creates quite the dynamic in our relationship when we only see each other part time.
I find it hard being in the transition from straight life to a gay life. Its really hard putting myself out there for people that say they love and care about me and then turn around and hurt me. I live in a small town about 45 minutes away from a bigger city, so our gay community is pretty closeted compared to the city.
I don't know how to just "be" in this moment. I feel very alone and isolated. I just want to be myself but gets so frustrating and confusing when I can be myself around one person but then have to be my old self around others.
Sorry for all the blabber...Ive read some other peoples posts and some people have had such terrible experiences and im so afraid for that to happen to me. I feel like what im going through is nothing comapred to others. Just looking for a friend, someone to talk to that understands, someone that can be there for support as I start to come out of the closet. Just want to add that my girlfriend is very supportive and is here for me whenever I need her. I feel that sometimes she gives me the girfriend answers lol plus its nice to have your own personal friends to go to.
Anyways, im gonna stop for now.
Thanks for listening.
L
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Post by entwinedspoon on Oct 10, 2014 14:53:50 GMT -6
Hi!
So. First things first. Your kids might be the hardest to come out to. But, being kids, they will likely be the first to accept you. Kids do not have the part in their brain that discriminates against gay people. Not like adults do.
Next, although it seems a little cliche- any friends you lose because of this are not worth it if they can't accept you for who you are. Also, it would be better for you to tell them straight-out rather than them hearing it from someone else.
I was a part of a large christian community when I came out of the closet. I lost a few friends. And the rest I just.. stopped hanging out with, because even if they didn't say it out-loud, I felt they were judging me.
I have made new friends, though. Ones who accept me for who I am. And you will, too. You will be much happier for it. It is better to have new friends that you can be open with, than having old friends who you have to watch yourself around.
As with the ex-husband bit, I don't have any advice for that as I've never experienced it. If you think your kids will tell him, and he will start stuff because of it, you might want to give him a heads up before you tell your kids.
I lived in a small community when I came out (a town of 1300), and actually it wasn't that bad. Nobody really judged me on it I guess, but people do like to talk. And old people like to ask questions. Which is weird. But it happens. And it wasn't so bad in my experience.
I'm just happy I was born and raised in Canada.
I hope something I said helped.
~Spoon
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Post by Matt Stout on Oct 11, 2014 22:11:40 GMT -6
First off, welcome to the forums!!! You will find this area a great place to ... "blab" when you feel like you are going to explode. My team is here for you all the time and you can ramble on as much as you want. We read each and ever post and try to provide the best advice possible! As for your situation: What you are going through is normal. It is normal to be afraid to tell someone be it your kids, or your ex-husband. Coming out to people is scary, but in the end "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." In regards to your best friend being very "hot and then cold" in regards to your sexuality... It may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. I know I have lost several of my best friends that I had been friends with for years due to my sexuality, but you know what? In the end I found myself better off without them in my life. I know that sounds harsh, but when someone is bringing you down frequently there is no need for them to be in your life. If they do not support you then you do not need them there. Kids: You know, I do not have any children so I am going to let Racheal Acuff give you advice on that topic. As for your ex... You know Exes are Exes for a reason. He is ALWAYS going to find something to use against you. Maybe now is not the time to tell him about everything that is going on. Let him find out on his own. Or tell him later down the line. However, I am super glad that your mother and friends were supportive of you! That makes a world of difference!! Let me know if there is ever anything we can do to help, and remember live your life for your own happiness; not for someone elses happiness because in the end, your happiness is all that matters!  ~Matt |
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Oct 12, 2014 12:54:54 GMT -6
Hello, Please forgive me if this post seems like a lot of rambling. I feel like if I don't get it all out i'm gonna explode... I'm a 40 year old, I guess BI-sexual woman ( i say that because im still confused. I still am attracted to men. so i guess that makes me bi) All of my relationships have been with men until recently. I have always fantasized about being with a woman but was to scared to do anything about it. I was raised that being gay was bad, dirty and was against Gods way. So every time I thought about doing something with a woman those words came to me and I wouldn't do anything. As my 40th birthday approached, I found I was single and all of a sudden had this attitude that I was going to live my life for me and didnt care what anyone thought. I placed an ad online looking for a lesbian woman that would be my first experience. I loved everything about that night. It just felt right to me and came naturally. That woman that was my first became my girlfriend and we are still together 10 months later. Right away I told my mom and she was OK with it. As long as i'm happy then shes happy, is what she says. I told my best friend and she said she was OK with it. Over the past 10 months this best friend of mine has turned on me. In one breath she says shes ok with it all and then in the next breath she is saying such awful things about my girlfriend. Me and my friend went away for the weekend during the summer and while we were gone that's when she said so many terrible things about my girlfriend. I was speechless and didn't know what to say. I feel like she stuck a knife in my heart. I still feel so hurt from her. We still talk. She goes on like nothing happened. Mind you she was drinking that night so shes probably going with that she doesn't remember. I find im pulling away from my friend because I really don't want anyone around me that can be that Judgmental and mean. Its very hard pulling away because we have been friends for so many years. I have also lost another friend that was ok with me having a girlfriend till his wife preached to me about religion and how i was going to go to hell unless I repent my sins. I don't talk to these friends anymore because of this. I have not fully come out. The more friends I seem to tell, they turn on me or say there ok but really aren't. I don't have very many friends so right now I feel so alone because I've already said goodbye to some and the other friend im trying to pull away from so im not gonna tell her anything. I have two sons and I'm terrified to tell them. I think they will be ok with it, the problem will be with their dad (my ex husband). He will find some way to blame me being gay with ruining our kids life. Hes such a drama king and will find any little thing to explode it into something it doesn't need to be. We have a mutual lesbian couple that our friends with both us. Hes ok with them being around our kids but he'll find a reason for it not to be ok with me being gay. The more adults that are mean and judging of me really makes it hard to tell my boys. I don't want to loose them. That's not an option for me, yet I don't want to only see my girlfriend on the days they are at their dads. That creates quite the dynamic in our relationship when we only see each other part time. I find it hard being in the transition from straight life to a gay life. Its really hard putting myself out there for people that say they love and care about me and then turn around and hurt me. I live in a small town about 45 minutes away from a bigger city, so our gay community is pretty closeted compared to the city. I don't know how to just "be" in this moment. I feel very alone and isolated. I just want to be myself but gets so frustrating and confusing when I can be myself around one person but then have to be my old self around others. Sorry for all the blabber...Ive read some other peoples posts and some people have had such terrible experiences and im so afraid for that to happen to me. I feel like what im going through is nothing comapred to others. Just looking for a friend, someone to talk to that understands, someone that can be there for support as I start to come out of the closet. Just want to add that my girlfriend is very supportive and is here for me whenever I need her. I feel that sometimes she gives me the girfriend answers lol plus its nice to have your own personal friends to go to. Anyways, im gonna stop for now. Thanks for listening. L I can tell you that your kids are going to be your rocks when it comes to this, they may have questions, i'm sure they will but at the end of the day you are their mom and they love you. They may be shocked, their may be tears but once you explain it to them they will understand. They will be more upset and angry if you don't tell them, especially your oldest because he is almost an adult and he will feel like you don't trust his age if you keep it from them. As far as your Ex goes...well they can be jerks, that is just the bottom line, when I got divorced and then re-married my ex-husband did everything he could to bring me down. When he realized that I wasn't going to let him win he backed off and let me live my life. Like Matt said live to make yourself and your kids happy! That is the most important thing in life! Much Love, Rae** |
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Post by newgirl74 on Oct 17, 2014 9:00:45 GMT -6
Hello, Please forgive me if this post seems like a lot of rambling. I feel like if I don't get it all out i'm gonna explode... I'm a 40 year old, I guess BI-sexual woman ( i say that because im still confused. I still am attracted to men. so i guess that makes me bi) All of my relationships have been with men until recently. I have always fantasized about being with a woman but was to scared to do anything about it. I was raised that being gay was bad, dirty and was against Gods way. So every time I thought about doing something with a woman those words came to me and I wouldn't do anything. As my 40th birthday approached, I found I was single and all of a sudden had this attitude that I was going to live my life for me and didnt care what anyone thought. I placed an ad online looking for a lesbian woman that would be my first experience. I loved everything about that night. It just felt right to me and came naturally. That woman that was my first became my girlfriend and we are still together 10 months later. Right away I told my mom and she was OK with it. As long as i'm happy then shes happy, is what she says. I told my best friend and she said she was OK with it. Over the past 10 months this best friend of mine has turned on me. In one breath she says shes ok with it all and then in the next breath she is saying such awful things about my girlfriend. Me and my friend went away for the weekend during the summer and while we were gone that's when she said so many terrible things about my girlfriend. I was speechless and didn't know what to say. I feel like she stuck a knife in my heart. I still feel so hurt from her. We still talk. She goes on like nothing happened. Mind you she was drinking that night so shes probably going with that she doesn't remember. I find im pulling away from my friend because I really don't want anyone around me that can be that Judgmental and mean. Its very hard pulling away because we have been friends for so many years. I have also lost another friend that was ok with me having a girlfriend till his wife preached to me about religion and how i was going to go to hell unless I repent my sins. I don't talk to these friends anymore because of this. I have not fully come out. The more friends I seem to tell, they turn on me or say there ok but really aren't. I don't have very many friends so right now I feel so alone because I've already said goodbye to some and the other friend im trying to pull away from so im not gonna tell her anything. I have two sons and I'm terrified to tell them. I think they will be ok with it, the problem will be with their dad (my ex husband). He will find some way to blame me being gay with ruining our kids life. Hes such a drama king and will find any little thing to explode it into something it doesn't need to be. We have a mutual lesbian couple that our friends with both us. Hes ok with them being around our kids but he'll find a reason for it not to be ok with me being gay. The more adults that are mean and judging of me really makes it hard to tell my boys. I don't want to loose them. That's not an option for me, yet I don't want to only see my girlfriend on the days they are at their dads. That creates quite the dynamic in our relationship when we only see each other part time. I find it hard being in the transition from straight life to a gay life. Its really hard putting myself out there for people that say they love and care about me and then turn around and hurt me. I live in a small town about 45 minutes away from a bigger city, so our gay community is pretty closeted compared to the city. I don't know how to just "be" in this moment. I feel very alone and isolated. I just want to be myself but gets so frustrating and confusing when I can be myself around one person but then have to be my old self around others. Sorry for all the blabber...Ive read some other peoples posts and some people have had such terrible experiences and im so afraid for that to happen to me. I feel like what im going through is nothing comapred to others. Just looking for a friend, someone to talk to that understands, someone that can be there for support as I start to come out of the closet. Just want to add that my girlfriend is very supportive and is here for me whenever I need her. I feel that sometimes she gives me the girfriend answers lol plus its nice to have your own personal friends to go to. Anyways, im gonna stop for now. Thanks for listening. L I can tell you that your kids are going to be your rocks when it comes to this, they may have questions, i'm sure they will but at the end of the day you are their mom and they love you. They may be shocked, their may be tears but once you explain it to them they will understand. They will be more upset and angry if you don't tell them, especially your oldest because he is almost an adult and he will feel like you don't trust his age if you keep it from them. As far as your Ex goes...well they can be jerks, that is just the bottom line, when I got divorced and then re-married my ex-husband did everything he could to bring me down. When he realized that I wasn't going to let him win he backed off and let me live my life. Like Matt said live to make yourself and your kids happy! That is the most important thing in life! Much Love, Rae** |
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Post by newgirl74 on Oct 17, 2014 9:11:09 GMT -6
Hi Rae, Thank you so much for your advice. Just from the words that you and Matt shared, I feel like im not alone anymore. So thank you for that :-)
Do you have any tips on what to say to my kids when I tell them? I know I can have an adult conversation with my oldest son and I don't think my youngest is going to care that much lol (hes already told me about one of his friends at school has two moms. He didn't stop coloring when he told me. It was all said like it was no big deal. I just told him how lucky his friend was to have two moms, my son asked why, and I said well think about all the love i give you and that boy has two moms to love him. He just said that's true and kept on doing what he was doing. lol. It was so cute and I was happy to see that it wasn't a big deal for him.) I also go back and forth with, should I tell my ex first to ask for his support or just let him find out on his own.
Also, do you know of any books that would be a good read that would help with what I'm going through?
Thank you so much and I look forward to your reply :-)
Lanette
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Oct 17, 2014 17:15:23 GMT -6
Hi Rae, Thank you so much for your advice. Just from the words that you and Matt shared, I feel like im not alone anymore. So thank you for that :-) Do you have any tips on what to say to my kids when I tell them? I know I can have an adult conversation with my oldest son and I don't think my youngest is going to care that much lol (hes already told me about one of his friends at school has two moms. He didn't stop coloring when he told me. It was all said like it was no big deal. I just told him how lucky his friend was to have two moms, my son asked why, and I said well think about all the love i give you and that boy has two moms to love him. He just said that's true and kept on doing what he was doing. lol. It was so cute and I was happy to see that it wasn't a big deal for him.) I also go back and forth with, should I tell my ex first to ask for his support or just let him find out on his own. Also, do you know of any books that would be a good read that would help with what I'm going through? Thank you so much and I look forward to your reply :-) Lanette Lanette, I think it is wonderful that your youngest son seems so ok with it. I think your right, you can have an adult conversation with your oldest son as you should. Treating him like an adult shows you trust him and value his feelings and his opinion. He will appreciate the fact that you feel comfortable enough to have that conversation with him and on that level and if he asks why you didn't say something sooner just let him know that you wanted to do it once you knew his heart, feelings and emotions were safe because you are his mother and you love him. Keep your head up you are doing a great job!! Much love, Rae** |
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Post by anthony on Nov 17, 2014 8:37:10 GMT -6
Hi Newgirl74
As a gay Christian man myself, I can identify with a lot of the hurt you are experiencing. Although I don't have the added complication of children, I went through many years of having to try and separate my Christian life in church from my sexuality because of the negative teaching and attitiudes to homosexuality I encountered. I am fortunate that the church I am in now is very positive and supportive - to the extent of allowing my partner and I to celebrate a Blessing of our relationship - but really feel for others who are not so fortunate. If you would like to talk about the faith aspects of your situation, you might like to call by the Forum I have just set up for gay Christians. Meanwhile, I'd just like to reassure you that God is on your side! Some of his followers might be blinkered, but He does not condemn anyone for how they are, and would have you be happy and fulfilled.
all the very best
Anthony
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