Post by chloesta on Oct 17, 2014 12:22:34 GMT -6
I apologise this is long but feel you can only answer with enough information provided, thank you!
It may be important to begin with the fact that I am a 21 year old closet lesbian. However, I’m not looking for any advice on coming out at the moment (though this may play a part as an issue in the story I am about to share).
I tend to fall for women who are much older than me; mature, experienced, intelligent etc and this makes my experience so much more difficult every time! As well of course the fact that no one on earth knows that I am a lesbian and nor am I ever 100% sure whether the women I like take an interest in women either.
I’m not sure if I should use the term ‘crush’ here but I have, for a while now, developed great admiration for this woman. She is in her 30’s, not sure if she takes an interest in women and we haven’t necessarily got a friendship but both very aware of each other and do occasionally communicate in a more professional level.
I want to share a few points that both make me fall for her more and also sometimes gives me the feeling that there is a vibe between us, that maybe she may like me. Of course this is common when you like someone and I am most possibly wrong. That is why I want you all to share your honest opinions on whether this could be mutual or if I should just leave this all behind.
I am taking a voluntary course where she is a student-teacher so sometimes she’ll sit in and listen and other times she will lead the class. She caught my attention the first moment I saw her but it all started when she came up to me and another girl to discuss work and she asked me what my name was. She definitely did not ask the other girls name but may have asked other members of the class. Who knows!
Through out those classes, we would look at each other here and then, it is ‘the look’ eye to eye contact that has been going on between me and her since we met. I’ve read a little on how important ‘the look’ and other body languages are during those situations but not entirely sure if we ‘have it’ shall I say.
The first time we made any physical contact was when she passed me some glue tac; our fingers slightly touched and then we looked at each other in a way, it is as if we telling each other so much through that look that I never experience with anyone else. (Or maybe it is one sided and I’m thinking all sorts and she’s thinking nothing -boohoo) How could I know? But what I do know is after passing me some glue tac that I then passed on to another girl, she offered a little more to me. (That could just be because she felt we needed more glue tac though right?)
The only other two times that we had physical contact is when I would be sitting and she would be standing or sitting behind me talking to her group/other members of the class and her arms would slightly touch my arms or shoulders but she wouldn’t move. Of course I didn’t either
(Maybe she didn’t realise we were slightly touching which could be why she didn’t move?)
I did catch her staring once; I was talking to a friend and just looked up and saw her staring but she immediately looked down (must have been really awkward for her lol) But firstly, she may have been day dreaming and didn’t realise she was staring till I looked up or maybe she was staring at someone else as I had a crowd sitting around me.
But I do know that most of the times that I look away or write down notes while she is talking, she takes the opportunity to look me because when I look up I see her looking and then she'll look at someone else (happens mostly when I look away then look at her and not so much when she knows I'm looking/listening - notice that all the time)
Once we we had left a session and me and my friends were hanging outside. She came out and my friends stopped her to talk to her, I moved a little back from them and stood there waiting for them to finish their conversation. A little into the conversation, while she was listening to my friend talk, she just looked ahead at me and I also looked at her, both of us right in the eye for a bit and then she looked back at the friend who was talking and responded. It was weird but she looked even though I wasn’t in the conversation and was standing away from them a little.
Another thing she does often is wink but at everyone. There are some people who wink in a polite smiley way and that is what she does. I notice her winks at other people but she doesn’t wink at me very often. But once I entered the class and as I was sitting down, we looked at each other and she winked and smiled at me (kinda like hi so I don’t take that in any other way) but it’s the fact that after winking she immediately looked down as if she was thinking ‘crap, why did I do that? and then didn’t look at me for a while. (I could be over analysing as I do with everything or maybe she knows I like her and regretting the wink so that I don’t take it the wrong way?)
A lot of members of the class ask her questions related to the topic often as she is more experienced than us but I never do as I am nervous around her but when I do, well this one time I said to her I have a few questions to ask, she smiled and was ready to really listen. I only asked one question even though I said few lol so then after answering my questions, she told me if I had any more questions, I said no then she said if I do remember any then to ask her whenever. (Maybe she just knows I’m a little quiet and never ask questions which is why she was probably just trying to be comforting and encouraging right?)
She just make this smirky smile though when I talk (could be because she can tell I’m nervous-dammit) and also laughs when I sometimes make jokes even if it is between my other friends and she’s around. Not always much to laugh at but she just weirdly makes an effort to laugh. (I love it of course
) She is also a slightly shy ish person, doesn’t come across as overly confident or anything.
I didn’t really want to make this last point as I most likely am over analysing and assuming perhaps but let’s see what you think.. at the end of one session (the session went well, she seemed pretty fine) I went to ask a question to another student-teacher for some help. I didn’t want her (the woman I like) to feel bad or anything but I just get so nervous around her, hence chose the other woman. She obviously saw that and then starting packing her bags really hard/loudly to the point that someone else in the room asked her if she was okay (don’t know what her facial expression was like during that point), she responded with 'yeah, just tired'. Now I’m not sure if this is because I went to talk to the other woman or it could be anything right??
If you could tell me what you think is going on, that would be great or just generally what I can do with the fact that I am only attracted to women who are usually older, sometimes even beautiful 40 year olds who are just so much interesting to be around, have pretty shy and modest personalities and like me would never probably approach or open up or maybe just see me as some young girl/kid. She obviously has no clue about my sexuality and that I like her (or I could be pretty obvious) and the girls I hang around with sometimes are quite religious too so she may think I have certain views that she wouldn’t want to disrespect by approaching me.. I don’t knowwww!!!!
Edit: I can't just tell her how I feel, it's not one of those open situations. Things will become very awkward and could possibly destroy me in several ways. Telling her means also telling her that I'm a lesbian. At the moment, these things are too much for me. She can easily say no but still know my deepest secret! She is an older, mature, very beautiful, extremely intelligent woman who can be with anyone!
It may be important to begin with the fact that I am a 21 year old closet lesbian. However, I’m not looking for any advice on coming out at the moment (though this may play a part as an issue in the story I am about to share).
I tend to fall for women who are much older than me; mature, experienced, intelligent etc and this makes my experience so much more difficult every time! As well of course the fact that no one on earth knows that I am a lesbian and nor am I ever 100% sure whether the women I like take an interest in women either.
I’m not sure if I should use the term ‘crush’ here but I have, for a while now, developed great admiration for this woman. She is in her 30’s, not sure if she takes an interest in women and we haven’t necessarily got a friendship but both very aware of each other and do occasionally communicate in a more professional level.
I want to share a few points that both make me fall for her more and also sometimes gives me the feeling that there is a vibe between us, that maybe she may like me. Of course this is common when you like someone and I am most possibly wrong. That is why I want you all to share your honest opinions on whether this could be mutual or if I should just leave this all behind.
I am taking a voluntary course where she is a student-teacher so sometimes she’ll sit in and listen and other times she will lead the class. She caught my attention the first moment I saw her but it all started when she came up to me and another girl to discuss work and she asked me what my name was. She definitely did not ask the other girls name but may have asked other members of the class. Who knows!
Through out those classes, we would look at each other here and then, it is ‘the look’ eye to eye contact that has been going on between me and her since we met. I’ve read a little on how important ‘the look’ and other body languages are during those situations but not entirely sure if we ‘have it’ shall I say.
The first time we made any physical contact was when she passed me some glue tac; our fingers slightly touched and then we looked at each other in a way, it is as if we telling each other so much through that look that I never experience with anyone else. (Or maybe it is one sided and I’m thinking all sorts and she’s thinking nothing -boohoo) How could I know? But what I do know is after passing me some glue tac that I then passed on to another girl, she offered a little more to me. (That could just be because she felt we needed more glue tac though right?)
The only other two times that we had physical contact is when I would be sitting and she would be standing or sitting behind me talking to her group/other members of the class and her arms would slightly touch my arms or shoulders but she wouldn’t move. Of course I didn’t either
(Maybe she didn’t realise we were slightly touching which could be why she didn’t move?)I did catch her staring once; I was talking to a friend and just looked up and saw her staring but she immediately looked down (must have been really awkward for her lol) But firstly, she may have been day dreaming and didn’t realise she was staring till I looked up or maybe she was staring at someone else as I had a crowd sitting around me.
But I do know that most of the times that I look away or write down notes while she is talking, she takes the opportunity to look me because when I look up I see her looking and then she'll look at someone else (happens mostly when I look away then look at her and not so much when she knows I'm looking/listening - notice that all the time)Once we we had left a session and me and my friends were hanging outside. She came out and my friends stopped her to talk to her, I moved a little back from them and stood there waiting for them to finish their conversation. A little into the conversation, while she was listening to my friend talk, she just looked ahead at me and I also looked at her, both of us right in the eye for a bit and then she looked back at the friend who was talking and responded. It was weird but she looked even though I wasn’t in the conversation and was standing away from them a little.
Another thing she does often is wink but at everyone. There are some people who wink in a polite smiley way and that is what she does. I notice her winks at other people but she doesn’t wink at me very often. But once I entered the class and as I was sitting down, we looked at each other and she winked and smiled at me (kinda like hi so I don’t take that in any other way) but it’s the fact that after winking she immediately looked down as if she was thinking ‘crap, why did I do that? and then didn’t look at me for a while. (I could be over analysing as I do with everything or maybe she knows I like her and regretting the wink so that I don’t take it the wrong way?)
A lot of members of the class ask her questions related to the topic often as she is more experienced than us but I never do as I am nervous around her but when I do, well this one time I said to her I have a few questions to ask, she smiled and was ready to really listen. I only asked one question even though I said few lol so then after answering my questions, she told me if I had any more questions, I said no then she said if I do remember any then to ask her whenever. (Maybe she just knows I’m a little quiet and never ask questions which is why she was probably just trying to be comforting and encouraging right?)
She just make this smirky smile though when I talk (could be because she can tell I’m nervous-dammit) and also laughs when I sometimes make jokes even if it is between my other friends and she’s around. Not always much to laugh at but she just weirdly makes an effort to laugh. (I love it of course
) She is also a slightly shy ish person, doesn’t come across as overly confident or anything. I didn’t really want to make this last point as I most likely am over analysing and assuming perhaps but let’s see what you think.. at the end of one session (the session went well, she seemed pretty fine) I went to ask a question to another student-teacher for some help. I didn’t want her (the woman I like) to feel bad or anything but I just get so nervous around her, hence chose the other woman. She obviously saw that and then starting packing her bags really hard/loudly to the point that someone else in the room asked her if she was okay (don’t know what her facial expression was like during that point), she responded with 'yeah, just tired'. Now I’m not sure if this is because I went to talk to the other woman or it could be anything right??
If you could tell me what you think is going on, that would be great or just generally what I can do with the fact that I am only attracted to women who are usually older, sometimes even beautiful 40 year olds who are just so much interesting to be around, have pretty shy and modest personalities and like me would never probably approach or open up or maybe just see me as some young girl/kid. She obviously has no clue about my sexuality and that I like her (or I could be pretty obvious) and the girls I hang around with sometimes are quite religious too so she may think I have certain views that she wouldn’t want to disrespect by approaching me.. I don’t knowwww!!!!
Edit: I can't just tell her how I feel, it's not one of those open situations. Things will become very awkward and could possibly destroy me in several ways. Telling her means also telling her that I'm a lesbian. At the moment, these things are too much for me. She can easily say no but still know my deepest secret! She is an older, mature, very beautiful, extremely intelligent woman who can be with anyone!