I feel like I am drowning | LGBTSupport.org

Rainbow Love
Guest

I feel like I am drowning Nov 2, 2014 13:49:48 GMT -6

Quote

Post by Rainbow Love on Nov 2, 2014 13:49:48 GMT -6

Hi All

I am new here and will sign up soon but first I want to get something off my chest.

I am a 22 year old nursing student from South Africa, I am Bi-sexual and gender non-conforming. I also consider myself an activist who has nothing but passion for the LGBTIA community. The reason I put the strong points out is because as I am typing this I feel very lost and confused. You see my 1st gf and i recently broke up got back together and suddenly broke up again... Its complicated so I will try not to bore you...

I my my ex through a mutual friend. To cut a loong story short she saved me from a bad relationship. In the beginning when we first started dating it was difficult for me, being a christian and her being my 1st gf. I struggled with it and had break downs etc and i'm pleased to say strong because of it, but that along with a lot of other things pushed my ex to the edge I guess. She was always there for me, always wanted to pay, which caused fights. She made me breakfast in bed and brought me coffee to class or got me my favourite treat when i had an absolutely horrible day. I hurt my back and she helped look after me etc... SHE WAS JUST FUCKING AMAZING!!!! I tried to do stuff back but she wouldn't want me to, I helped her in other ways though. Her people skills were a bit poor and she felt like she didn't have friends so i keep challenging her. She was the chair of the LGBTIA society at my university and I was p.r.o and marketing. We worked well but one day it got to much and she became distant and told me she needed time... then she broke up with me... I died that day. Realising she was the first person I truly loved! And still do! anyway a couple months went by and we were walking to my car to give her all her shit back and I told her I wanted a seize fire and that I didn't hate her, as she thought I did. I also told her that I would love to chill but I don't see us clubbing together because seeing her with another women would kill me. Anyway the next night she wiggled her way into coming clubbing with a bunch of my friends and I for a b day party.. We started talking about the breakup etc.... we ended up hooking up, she started holding my hand and calling me babe. I didn't see her till two days later when we had a 4 hour conversation by her gate...She told me she really missed me because nobody could fill the gap, turn her on, make her laugh or anything.(when we broke up she became really rude and spoke badly about me, but you will understand why i say this soon). We started chilling together everyday. The old bond was back and so was the hot and steamy make out sessions that I now believe came to soon. We would just lay and talk for hours and she told me when she broke up with me it was because she didn't know what else to do. She was drowning and thought my plate was to full etc. and that she regretted breaking up with the woman she loved and that we can take things slowly because she has a lot she has a lot of demons she still has to put to bed and shes scared she hurts me but she loved me no question, I could see it and feel it even in the period we were broken up. Anyway we were great! she decided to communicate better and i would give her space etc. the next Saturday we had a movie night it was her first time back at my place and my family were very welcoming, we had a deep chat and I revealed all my fears. She then said that if she wanted to leave she would have been long gone and i asked if she loves me and can I trust her, She said yes to both. The Sunday morning we were great and then she went to see her aunt and that night she was as cold as ice again.. eventually after a couple days I asked her whats happening and she said a couple things... One being that she does love me but she loves all important people in her life and shes not leading me on and that she needs to take a deep and serious look at her life and then she will deal with people appropriately. I know her well and I know when she has many decisions to make and big ones she kicks people close to her away...I left many details out as if I didn't you would not stop reading for a couple of days... She is avoiding me though and I miss her so much, we talk on whats app but only because I am the new chairperson and we have to work together. the break up made me take a long look at my life and I really changed a lot of things and worked on a lot of things. I new getting involved again could end in hurt but I MADE THAT DECISION and I take full responsibility! I'm just lost on where to go.. She LOVED EVERYTHING THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD ABOUT ME! I feel like I will now forever be alone and unloved or find somebody that will treat me right.. I want to but don' want to move on... I'm scared and lost and I need guidance. I love the LGBTIA community and I am putting all my time and effort educating and being a person who helps others but how can I be helping if I cant help myself?? How can I lead if i feel so broken?? She does still love me, but maybe not how i want or maybe she does... But I can't keep living in fear of the what ifs... She's going away for two months in December so at least I won't bump into her.. I'm just scared to start off new. I have such huge trust issues with my relationship life now its ridiculous. I know i'm human but I want to be the change I want to see. I want to live and love and laugh and at the moment I can only do that at times, We were together for almost a year and a half and that'pretty long, to me at least... I hope this wasn't a colossal waste of everyone' time. I just needed to share and maybe get some advice from people who aren't biased. I don't hate her, I hate how she makes me feel. I know she's dealing with stuff and she keeps that to herself, I know I choose to get involved again but guys we spoke about marriage and moving in together and all. yes early but I can really see myself with her for ever and now I have to learn to accept that forever might not be as long as I hoped or she promised and no, I am not a walk in the park or easy to be with, but I am human. Hope you guys can help, as I will be forced to work with her a lot next year and for some of November.

Kind Regards
Celeste'

Supporter
Guest

I feel like I am drowning Aug 19, 2015 22:04:38 GMT -6 via mobile

Quote

Post by Supporter on Aug 19, 2015 22:04:38 GMT -6

Hello, if I'm right about reading this, this is mostly about breakups, the reality is that if you like her, but she doesn't like you, then its not healthy to dwell on the situation, I understand that you could still want her but you really need to think about yourself and stop putting yourself through emotional anguish just for the possibility of being In a (temporary) relationship again with her.
In regards for working with her, you do not have to focus on your romantic relationship with her, you don't even have to mention it with her, focus on your common goals or even build a friendship with her!

Hope this helps!

P.S. when writing a long article, it would be helpful to separate subjects by pressing enter to create a space so readers' eyes won't miss a line of important information and understand what's going on.

emeraldcitygay
New Here

Posts: 2

I feel like I am drowning Aug 22, 2015 14:03:39 GMT -6 via mobile

Quote

Post by emeraldcitygay on Aug 22, 2015 14:03:39 GMT -6

I've been through something that sounds very similar. Not the same of course, but I think I can empathize. And I can say that for me, when he moved away, it was so much easier. As time passed, i thought about him less. I started dating. I've made some amazing emotional connections since then.

It sounds like, while there was some really great stuff between you two, there was also a lot of really important things lacking. Trust, openness, etc. It doesn't sound like she was really in a place to make it work. And that's really unfortunate, but it happens....

I was totally broken. I've never cried more in my whole life. But eventually I moved on, felt better, and have a LOT more perspective on the situation. You will too :-) No magic fix unfortunately. Just try to take care of yourself. East healthy, do things you enjoy, and don't burn out with that student organization. I advised the campus wide lgbtq group at a university in Washington. It's easy to bury yourself in the work and get lost, but it's not always healthy.

Good luck!