Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2015 15:10:54 GMT -6
I used to be in a physically abusive relationship when I was younger. I know it must sound silly that it was when I was around the age of 11 but it's true. I thought we got along, he kind of got along with the friendship group I was with at the time and he was part of it. He seemed like a nice guy and of course at that age I fell for guys hard thinking it was 'love' - now I know what it is I'm ashamed of how I thought at that age. I was on and off with this guy because he kept playing me and flirting with others and breaking up with me for someone who'd later reject him; he always came back to me when he couldn't get who he wanted (who was and still is one of my closest friends). So I was basically used and I was too foolish to realise and stop it. But he didn't just use me, he also beat me. I'd been strangled many times by him, hit in the face, shoved about and once he'd even kicked me for no reason at all; all of these things he blamed on his temper and said that it happened because I'd annoy him or someone else had causing him to take it out on me. He'd have random moments of this too. No reason. Just did it. I wasn't the only one though: he'd hurt (thankfully not as badly) one of my friends as well as me and the girl (friend I mentioned earlier that he 'wanted'). I believe he'd beaten some other people I knew and used to hang out with as well. Somehow I just felt that I had to please him otherwise I'd end up getting hurt. He was only a couple of years older too. We were barely teenagers and this was happening.
Whether he was taking this out on us because of stuff at home or elsewhere I do not know but now I'm constantly thinking back to all of this. It lasted until we were 14 and I was grateful to have finally gotten a small amount of courage and ditched him; I don't think I could have if not for the rest of the group doing it as well with me. The only issue for me now is that it's 'scarred me': I flinch when people try touching my neck and I can't bare to wear turtlenecks or scarves anymore due to a hatred of things covering too much of my neck; I fear seeing him in the town I live in as I know he hangs around occasionally (I've seen him quite a few times and every time I get paranoid that he's going to stop and come near me); my boyfriend and I saw the guy once a few weeks ago and as soon as we got back to my boyfriend's house I couldn't stop crying or thinking about what he'd done to me and my friends. I'm just glad that my boyfriend knows exactly what happened and understands me; he was one of the people in the friendship group and he hates him even more than me and my friends do.
I swear if I didn't have my supportive boyfriend or friends I'd probably be worse than I am now.
Trouble is this isn't the only abusive relationship I've been in: the second to latest relationship I managed to get myself out of was worse than this as I was technically raped. I'm so naive that it took two people to tell me that it counted as rape for me to realise I had been. Of course at the time I didn't think of it as rape but now I see it is. The guy I was with in this relationship was totally fine until we moved into a more sexual relationship. I mean I guess it's not wrong to be a very sexual person and want it most of the time but he was constant; it was as if it was all he wanted after a while. The saddest part is he was my first, and that is something I regret. He used the lines of "if you loved me you would" and "awh come on, please?" as well as others in order to get me to have sex with him. Most of the times he wanted to I didn't actually want to but he'd get annoyed or angry if I didn't or guilt trip me into it anyway. So I basically had sex with him not because it was an intimate thing we both wanted to share and whatnot... no... it was to get him to stop pestering me. I think if I hadn't met the caring guy I have now I would be more reluctant with sex as after that I felt used and I felt that sex wasn't enjoyable at all. Like I said I didn't actually think of it as rape until I'd told a couple of friends and they told me that he'd practically raped me. I still feel awful and disgusting for letting that happen as it happened without me realising what was going on. After both of those relationship I feel stupid, naive and used. Yes I have a much greater boyfriend now who I've yet to have a falling out with and who accepts me and doesn't abuse me but I still feel like that.
I don't really know what else to say other than I feel slightly relieved now I've gotten all of that out. But I still feel horrible.
Kiera (a.k.a. teenagedirtbag)
Whether he was taking this out on us because of stuff at home or elsewhere I do not know but now I'm constantly thinking back to all of this. It lasted until we were 14 and I was grateful to have finally gotten a small amount of courage and ditched him; I don't think I could have if not for the rest of the group doing it as well with me. The only issue for me now is that it's 'scarred me': I flinch when people try touching my neck and I can't bare to wear turtlenecks or scarves anymore due to a hatred of things covering too much of my neck; I fear seeing him in the town I live in as I know he hangs around occasionally (I've seen him quite a few times and every time I get paranoid that he's going to stop and come near me); my boyfriend and I saw the guy once a few weeks ago and as soon as we got back to my boyfriend's house I couldn't stop crying or thinking about what he'd done to me and my friends. I'm just glad that my boyfriend knows exactly what happened and understands me; he was one of the people in the friendship group and he hates him even more than me and my friends do.
I swear if I didn't have my supportive boyfriend or friends I'd probably be worse than I am now.
Trouble is this isn't the only abusive relationship I've been in: the second to latest relationship I managed to get myself out of was worse than this as I was technically raped. I'm so naive that it took two people to tell me that it counted as rape for me to realise I had been. Of course at the time I didn't think of it as rape but now I see it is. The guy I was with in this relationship was totally fine until we moved into a more sexual relationship. I mean I guess it's not wrong to be a very sexual person and want it most of the time but he was constant; it was as if it was all he wanted after a while. The saddest part is he was my first, and that is something I regret. He used the lines of "if you loved me you would" and "awh come on, please?" as well as others in order to get me to have sex with him. Most of the times he wanted to I didn't actually want to but he'd get annoyed or angry if I didn't or guilt trip me into it anyway. So I basically had sex with him not because it was an intimate thing we both wanted to share and whatnot... no... it was to get him to stop pestering me. I think if I hadn't met the caring guy I have now I would be more reluctant with sex as after that I felt used and I felt that sex wasn't enjoyable at all. Like I said I didn't actually think of it as rape until I'd told a couple of friends and they told me that he'd practically raped me. I still feel awful and disgusting for letting that happen as it happened without me realising what was going on. After both of those relationship I feel stupid, naive and used. Yes I have a much greater boyfriend now who I've yet to have a falling out with and who accepts me and doesn't abuse me but I still feel like that.
I don't really know what else to say other than I feel slightly relieved now I've gotten all of that out. But I still feel horrible.
Kiera (a.k.a. teenagedirtbag)