emotional roller coaster over relationship

pixiexw
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emotional roller coaster over relationship Dec 28, 2014 10:33:56 GMT -6

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Post by pixiexw on Dec 28, 2014 10:33:56 GMT -6

Help. I don't know what I want to do anymore, I don't know what I think or feel, or want or anything like that at the moment. My best friend, another Aspie, and I kind of started to become more than friends by accident around four months ago. She is an amazing person and I love her very much but I am really struggling. Two years ago I started suspecting that I was attracted to girls over boys, I could see that there were boys who looked better than other boys but at the same time I didn't feel much appeal to them. I became sort of addicted in some ways to the world of adult fan fiction for a while, I used it as a way to filter my special interests and also learn about the stuff I didn't understand in the world of sex. It was a long and strange time in my life but I eventually managed to get over the extreme anxiety that I felt towards my sexual preferences and I spiraled into the worst depressive state of my whole life.

Anyway, the things that happened between me and my friend started off as a silly pact, that if no one married either of us by the time we were forty two then we would get married. we started planning things and then something just happened and I ended up getting very close to her, we started slowly and it worked into a real relationship. But I don't know if it is, I don't understand attraction, I don't know if I want to be with her, I don't know if I think she's beautiful or anything like that. She's just her. I know she can warm me up so to speak, she can send unbelievably strong pulses through my body that mean I feel the need to make some kind of sound in reply. Does this mean anything? I mean we're teenagers, are we just kidding ourselves into believing there's something else going on in our lives because we want to feel able to behave like the teenagers that we are supposed to be. I don't understand anything, and every time something happens, like my mum seeing something which happened today, I regress back into a state of panic and confusion and being sure there can't be anything here. But yet I'm usually the one to keep up the little kisses to foreheads and hands, again is that anything decisive, or is it just lust and craving that feeling? Is the fact I always regress into the background of my mind and panic any kind of evidence either way? I just don't know!

I want definite answers but I know I can't have them. I know that those answers only exist in things that science can answer on. I don't know anything and I feel so wrong and so guilty when she says things to me, when she tells me she loves my shape and things like that. I am flattered, very, but I don't feel like I have anything to say in return, I have no strong emotional responses to her body, other than wanting her eye colour but that doesn't count. I feel like I am stringing her along on a road that I'm not fully committed to, like I am playing with her. We've both been badly hurt in the past, as I think the majority of aspie kids are and the idea of causing her more pain frightens me. Does that mean anything? does any of this mean anything certain? I don't know and I don't think anyone knows for sure. I need some advice, any advise, something that can help me deal with the awfullness of this doubt, to deal with being scared of my mother talking about it because she only puts further doubts into my mind, she believes I am being coerced and when I feel like I do now, in a total state of panic, I sometimes think maybe she is right, or maybe she just doesn't want to believe I might not ever want a boyfriend.

Can anybody help me?

thank you

harupoppo
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emotional roller coaster over relationship Jan 10, 2015 20:35:57 GMT -6 via mobile

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Post by harupoppo on Jan 10, 2015 20:35:57 GMT -6

I may be able to offer some insight as both a lesbian and a someone with asperger's. I don't think mine is as severe is yours and I have mostly worked out how to get through things with it. I think the best thing you could do is just be perfectly honest. If she also has asperger's then she likely has no clue what you are feeling right now. If your relationship is going too fast, then tell her. If it terrifies you, or makes you feel guilty let her know and ask her to be honest as well. It sounds like you guys are good friends and I believe that you can reach a point where you are both happy. Speaking for myself, one of the most frustrating things about relationships is not knowing how the other person feels. I can tell when someone is being honest with me but subtlety slips past me. Communication is key. Especially for those of us with asperger's.

Oh and something else that is very important is to talk to someone about your feelings of depression. Everyone feels sad at times but this sounds more serious. Rates of depression and suicide are high in both LGBT and people with asperger's. As you loosely fit into both of those categories, you are at risk. I attempted suicide before and i know when it starts you feel like you can handle it, you're just sad and if you have been depressed for a long time you forget what it is like to be happy and you feel like it is normal. I cannot explain to you how painful it feels to lose someone you love and no matter how you feel somebody loves you. I know it is the last thing you want to do when you start feeling that way but you have to separate yourself from your feelings at those times and analyze it logically. You've already taken the first step by talking on here and I commend you for that. Whatever you do, don't bare it alone. Even if you think it isn't a big deal, talk about it. To friends, family, a counselor, or even somebody online. You aren't alone.

Last Edit: Jan 12, 2015 21:02:08 GMT -6 by Matt Stout

Matt Stout
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emotional roller coaster over relationship Jan 12, 2015 21:13:35 GMT -6

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Post by Matt Stout on Jan 12, 2015 21:13:35 GMT -6

My advice to you would to be to talk to her about it. I know that is not what you want to hear, but if you keep up good communication, and let her know what is going on then things will all work out the way they are meant to in the end. It is natural for teenagers to go through different phases. You are young, and your body is changing. You are growing, you have going through new experiences which will all ultimately craft you into the person you are meant to be. Don't fight the feelings your body has, and don't fight what your mind thinks. Live each and every day like that is the only day that matters. Don't worry about all of the "What ifs" in life. While you may not be "in love" with this individual you may still love them. You can love someone without being in love with them. Which could be why you are feeling the way you do. Just take a deep breath, and take a step back, and communicate with her. That is the best thing you can do at this point is communicate. While you may not end up staying together forever, if you communicate with her you most likely will not lose her as a friend in the end. Hope this helps a little. Let me know if there is ever anything we can do to help.
~Matt

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