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Post by Jesicca on Jan 16, 2015 22:39:47 GMT -6
I am in a Lesbian relationship, is that the politically correct way to say it?I don't know. When my girlfriend and I first got together I told her, I don't like sex. I want to be an a relationship with someone without sex. She told me she felt the same way so, obviously I didn't think she would press the issue. Moving on, she and I were at our friend's house for a party. After about two hours and several beers, she started hanging all over me, kissing me and just in general being inappropriate. I pulled her out of the room to clarify that I don't like PDA. As for her reaction, I remember word for word what she said to me. "I know you're cheating on me. I see the way you flirt with other people. Are you having sex with them? I'll bet you are. Am I not attractive enough? Is that why you won't jump in bed with me? No one hates sex so you're either a liar or a freak of nature." After she had finished her speech I felt kind of bad (although, mind you I was not and am not cheating) So of course I said sorry and that I hadn't known she was so upset, told her I was not cheating and she shouldn't worry about that. After I finished apologizing she started to "feel me up", I think that is the correct slang. I pushed her away and said "This is neither the time nor place. Let's go back out and we can talk about this later." As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" That made me feel pretty bad about myself because I know I am a "prude". I didn't really have a response for her though, so we just returned to the party.
My dilemma here is trying to justify her actions. I have been over this conversation in my head, what seems like a million times. She was a bit drunk. I had upset her by being negligent of her feelings. After all that I rejected her when she tried to be affectionate.
My questions: How do I fix this? We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting. I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine, right? I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Thanks for reading.
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Post by harupoppo on Jan 17, 2015 10:06:28 GMT -6
Do you not want sex at all or are you just not ready for it? If you don't want sex at all you may be asexual. It is a thing and there are other people like you so you aren't a freak of nature. If you are asexual though, then it appears that she isn't and it might be better for you and her if you were just friends. There are asexual people out there who are in relationships with all the emotional connections but simply dont have sex.
If you want to have sex at some point but just aren't ready for it then i would suggest telling her that and if she cares about you she will respect that. I would not suggest having sex if you don't want to. That is a type of rape and nobody should have to go through that. I can tell that you don't want to break up with her but it seems like you guys dont want the same things. If youre in a relationship where you feel pressured to do things you dont want to, its not healthy. I understand that you feel like youre being negligent of her feelings but if both people arent happy then its not worth it. If you sacrifice your happiness to make her happy, you will grow to resent her. If you truly cant let her go though you could try finding a compromise. Such as allowing her to have sex with other people. That way she gets the sexual side of things she needs and you dont have to feel pressured but its up to you. You should do some research into asexuality though because i think you may find some more help there.
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Post by Racheal Acuff on Jan 18, 2015 13:24:06 GMT -6
Jesicca,
I'm sorry that you are going through this and it isn't an easy fix sadly. When it comes to the situation you found yourself in you had many factors playing into it, she is your girlfriend and she finds you attractive, there was alcohol involved which only increases already present hormones and she may have thought that she was into having sex but because she was drinking she was using "beer brain" which isn't always the clearest thing in the world. Like the previous user posted you need to look within yourself and decide if you don't want sex at all ever, or if you are just not simply ready for that stage of a relationship, once you have come to that decision you need to talk to your girlfriend and find out what she truly wants, and if she has decided that she does want a relationship with you sexually and you don't want that then you need to love her enough to let her go and move on, finding someone who truly wants an asexual relationship. It won't be an easy decision but at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. That is the most important thing. Keep us updated and let me know if I can help any further.
Much Love,
Rae**
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Post by Matt Stout on Jan 18, 2015 13:29:15 GMT -6
As I started walking away she grabbed my wrist, pressed me against a wall, slapped me and said "Why are you such a prude?" Okay, major RED flag number one. She is way to physically abusive. Yes, what happened is considered abuse. Not a HUGE amount of abuse, but regardless it is still abuse. I would NEVER want to be in a situation like what you went through. While I do not know you, or your situation very well, I doubt this is the first time she has done this, and if this is the first time, this won't be the last time. With that being said I would leave the relationship before things got any worse. I know it is easier said than done, but that is my first red flag with this relationship. When people are drunk then tend to say things that they are actually saying, or feeling. Things they would not normally say sober. Their judgement is altered, and they say what they are really thinking, or feeling without worrying about what the other may feel. This is how she is feeling, she just will not say anything about it normally. Another red flag with this relationship. My questions: How do I fix this? There are somethings in life that you can not fix. Could this be fixed? Yes. Will it take a lot of time and work from the both of you? Yes. Obviously she has some trust issues with you that she has not said while sober. We're both girls and girls slap each other all the time while fighting. I could have slapped her back if I'd wanted to, so I'm assuming that's all fine, right? It is NEVER okay for anyone to physically hit, slap, or abuse anyone. EVER. Regardless of if you both do it, or just one of you do it... It is still wrong. I would never in a million years raise a hand to Matt, and I know he would never do it to me either. We respect each other, and love each other enough to never do something like this. I don't know what to do about the whole sex thing though. I don't want her to feel like I'm not attracted to her or that I don't want her but I really don't want to have sex either. Should I just have sex with her anyway? First off, you should never have sex with someone just to make them happy, or to make them feel at ease. Let's take a stroll through my past. . . When I was with my first ex, I never wanted to have sex with him. Not because I was not attracted to him, I just never really enjoyed, or wanted, or cared to have sex with him. Fast forward several years... Now that I am with Matt, sex is not an issue. It just feels "right" and it makes us closer. I no longer have an issue with sex. It was just something that I had with my first ex. With that being said, it is natural for you to not want to have sex with her. She may just not be the one for you. I know this sounds harsh, but I am speaking from past experiences, and life lessons learned the hard way. If anyone can propose a solution I would appreciate it! Okay, Jessica. I know I have said a lot in this post, and I hope that you can see that what I am saying is coming from the heart, and it is coming from learning life lessons the hard way. Looking back on my past, if I had someone there to talk to me, and tell me things that I was to blind to see it would have saved me a lot of heartache. With that being said, just after everything you have said in this post I truly think that it may be time for you to explore a new different relationship. I know that sounds extreme, and harsh. But it is reality. Almost everything you talked about in this post are things I dealt with when dating my first ex. It took me 2 years to realize that things were just not meant to be. It was 2 years of physical fighting, and mental abuse. It was years of not wanting sex, and fighting about it. In the end, leaving him was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. However, it was one of the best things I ever did. With all of this being said, only you know what is best for you, and your relationship. All we can do is provide you with some advice. I hope some of this helps a little. Let me know if there is anything we can do to help. ~Matt |
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