Post by Kiwi73 on Jan 24, 2015 15:05:36 GMT -6
Hello all,
I am new here, and I need some advice. I am going through something very difficult and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.
A little about me:
I am 41 year old gay man. I have been out since I was 19 years old.
A little bit of back story:
I was raised from birth to the age of 18 as a Jehova's Witness. Around the age of 4, I realized that I liked boys more than girls. Not in a sexual way (who thinks of sex at 4?), but more in the way that I wanted hold hands with the boys. Something in the the way a certain boy would smile would affect me in ways that girls did not.
As I got older, I started to question what I was being taught by the Church. The official stance is that homosexuality is a choice and that to remain part of the church, one must change their thoughts about the same gender, one must never discuss it with anyone, never have a relationship with the same sex, and basically deny everything you are and be a lonely, sad, miserable human being.
The more questions I asked, the more that I was told that I was an abomination, a sinner, and that God hated me. The Witnesses believe that God is going to destroy all the sinners on the earth and then resurrect every person that dies prior to Armageddon, and that those people will be given a chance to repent. Etc, etc, etc... so I asked them if Hitler would be given a chance for redemption. Being that he died before Armageddon, he would be resurrected and given a chance at life once again.
Let me sum this up. The church consistently tells a child that they are worse than Hitler, that their entire family and all of your friends are going to be saved at Armageddon and live in a paradise on Earth. But NOT you. No, you are an abomination, a sinner, a piece of shit on their shoes, less than a human being. THAT is what I was taught.
As time went by, I began to loathe myself. I am mentally screwed (Schizoaffected Bipolar 1, Social Phobia, and panic attacks), I cannot sustain a relationship, I have no self esteem, and I am obese (which is nobodies fault but my own. I think it's to keep people away). I tried on several occasions to kill myself because no matter how much I prayed to God to make me normal, he ignored me, because he must hate me. This was my life until I turned 18, when I finally could walk away and try to be my own person.
Fast-forward to 20 years (or so) later.
Here is where I need advice.
My sister has now decided to become a JW. I feel like she is betraying me because she knows what they did to me, how they fucked me up mentally, and how they drove me to suicidal tendencies. I have told her how I feel, and that it is destroying me inside to know that she believes the CRAP that they are teaching her. When she gets baptized, it's like her singing a paper that says she believes everything they teach.
How I am supposed to suck up the fact that she now thinks I made a choice to be gay? Am I not supposed to be devastated by her taking THEIR SIDE? By her standing by them and telling me that she believes what the teach is true (For the record, I think religion is a fairy tale).
She went to them to make sure it was ok to have a relationship with her gay brother. They don't forbid it, but that isn't the point. The point is that she felt she needed their permission at all. I finally asked her point blank if they decided that JWs could no longer associate with homosexual, would she choose them? She refused to answer stating that it wasn't going to happen. (For the record, at one point when I was a child my Aunt (also a JW) disowned my mother (her sister) because my mother had been disfellowshiped from the church, and they church told my aunt she was no longer allowed to talk to her own sister. She complied with no questions. So it DOES happen).
Here I am, the sister I have been the closest to my entire life, has taken up with 'the enemy". She follows them blindly, and it has caused our relationship to fall apart. She refuses to even consider that they are wrong, but wants me not to be upset about it because they said it's okay for her to have a relationship with me. (Permission granted, Sir!). She blames me because I won't get over it. She said that I was being selfish because it hurts her that I am hurting, and it's all about me...
What do I do? I can't have a relationship with someone who thinks that gays are anything less than human. I feel betrayed. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I am so tied up in knots and so desperate for help, I came and posted this to a bunch of strangers. I feel like part of me is dying.
I am new here, and I need some advice. I am going through something very difficult and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.
A little about me:
I am 41 year old gay man. I have been out since I was 19 years old.
A little bit of back story:
I was raised from birth to the age of 18 as a Jehova's Witness. Around the age of 4, I realized that I liked boys more than girls. Not in a sexual way (who thinks of sex at 4?), but more in the way that I wanted hold hands with the boys. Something in the the way a certain boy would smile would affect me in ways that girls did not.
As I got older, I started to question what I was being taught by the Church. The official stance is that homosexuality is a choice and that to remain part of the church, one must change their thoughts about the same gender, one must never discuss it with anyone, never have a relationship with the same sex, and basically deny everything you are and be a lonely, sad, miserable human being.
The more questions I asked, the more that I was told that I was an abomination, a sinner, and that God hated me. The Witnesses believe that God is going to destroy all the sinners on the earth and then resurrect every person that dies prior to Armageddon, and that those people will be given a chance to repent. Etc, etc, etc... so I asked them if Hitler would be given a chance for redemption. Being that he died before Armageddon, he would be resurrected and given a chance at life once again.
Let me sum this up. The church consistently tells a child that they are worse than Hitler, that their entire family and all of your friends are going to be saved at Armageddon and live in a paradise on Earth. But NOT you. No, you are an abomination, a sinner, a piece of shit on their shoes, less than a human being. THAT is what I was taught.
As time went by, I began to loathe myself. I am mentally screwed (Schizoaffected Bipolar 1, Social Phobia, and panic attacks), I cannot sustain a relationship, I have no self esteem, and I am obese (which is nobodies fault but my own. I think it's to keep people away). I tried on several occasions to kill myself because no matter how much I prayed to God to make me normal, he ignored me, because he must hate me. This was my life until I turned 18, when I finally could walk away and try to be my own person.
Fast-forward to 20 years (or so) later.
Here is where I need advice.
My sister has now decided to become a JW. I feel like she is betraying me because she knows what they did to me, how they fucked me up mentally, and how they drove me to suicidal tendencies. I have told her how I feel, and that it is destroying me inside to know that she believes the CRAP that they are teaching her. When she gets baptized, it's like her singing a paper that says she believes everything they teach.
How I am supposed to suck up the fact that she now thinks I made a choice to be gay? Am I not supposed to be devastated by her taking THEIR SIDE? By her standing by them and telling me that she believes what the teach is true (For the record, I think religion is a fairy tale).
She went to them to make sure it was ok to have a relationship with her gay brother. They don't forbid it, but that isn't the point. The point is that she felt she needed their permission at all. I finally asked her point blank if they decided that JWs could no longer associate with homosexual, would she choose them? She refused to answer stating that it wasn't going to happen. (For the record, at one point when I was a child my Aunt (also a JW) disowned my mother (her sister) because my mother had been disfellowshiped from the church, and they church told my aunt she was no longer allowed to talk to her own sister. She complied with no questions. So it DOES happen).
Here I am, the sister I have been the closest to my entire life, has taken up with 'the enemy". She follows them blindly, and it has caused our relationship to fall apart. She refuses to even consider that they are wrong, but wants me not to be upset about it because they said it's okay for her to have a relationship with me. (Permission granted, Sir!). She blames me because I won't get over it. She said that I was being selfish because it hurts her that I am hurting, and it's all about me...
What do I do? I can't have a relationship with someone who thinks that gays are anything less than human. I feel betrayed. Am I wrong for feeling that way? I am so tied up in knots and so desperate for help, I came and posted this to a bunch of strangers. I feel like part of me is dying.
