Post by kotsios12 on Apr 16, 2015 17:08:23 GMT -6
Hi everyone,
The username I am using for my account on LGTBSupport is "Kotsios12", I am 17 years old and I am a high school student (currently I am in the 11th grade). I live in Cyprus (a small island which neighbors with Greece). The issue which I have to struggle with every day of my life, is my sexual orientation, which is quite different than most people's. In particular I don't dream about girls, I dream about guys instead and I was able to figure it out when I was about 12-13 years old. At that time, I was not mature enough to understand and emphathize or even embrace these shameful and abnormal feelings that I have had to deal with, so I chose to go undercover, hide the real me so that no one else could ever find out who I really was, disaprove all these bad feelings, and tried to convice myself that I am straight and that I was going through a phase that I had to do my best in order to conquer and jump over it. And that's how my life as a teenager continued to slip by, followed with so much pain, disappointment and hatred about myself, people around me, my family (which has been super homophobic thus far) and life in general. I was too afraid to be open, communicate and be myself with people and still am, because of the fear that they will automatically reject me if they ever find out my secret. Secrets can cause so much internal damage, and I think that this damage can get worse and worst especially when you have to wake up every day and know that you can't help but pretend someone who basically is not the real you. The whole situation which I created and keep pushing myself into, is totally pretentious and soul-destroying. Eventually, I ended up feeling absolutely helpless, alone, isolated, miserable, draggy, tired and even mad at myself for not being true and shuting my emotions off. In addition, the fact that i am a member of a super homophobic family made things worse and harsher. Both of my parents and grandparents would often slur, bash, insult and express their rage against gay people, whenever they saw anything relevant to LGBT community on TV ; right here I think I will have to mention that no one kid is ever borned to hate himself/herself for being gay. It took me nearly 5 whole years to finally embrace and accept my sexuality after realising and accepting the fact that this is the way I am born and created, I can't be straight as much as I wanted to, and I am destined to love another man no matter how many people would find it disgusting and abnormal. And that was when I felt deeply the need to share it with someone else who can be supportive and receptive of this real side of me. At that time I was regularly consulting a psychologist, so I decided to come out to her at first. Although I was really afraid of her initial reaction, I kept telling myself that If I wanted to escape from the prison which I put myself into, I had to start telling the truth about myself. Once I confided my secret to her I felt so much relieved and happy at the same time because it really needed a lot of bravery to do something like that. I have to say that up to now she's the only person that is really officially aware of that side of myself and indeed she's super supportive, affectionate and encouraging! I know that my struggle with homosexuality and my fears have not overcomed yet, but at least I know now that I am not alone and definitely I am not the only person that is going through this thing. That's why I have to keep conquer and fight over my homophobic family and a lot of judgmental folks, so that I can finally come to that place in my life when I can look back and admit that homosexuality wasn't such a big issue for me after all...
The username I am using for my account on LGTBSupport is "Kotsios12", I am 17 years old and I am a high school student (currently I am in the 11th grade). I live in Cyprus (a small island which neighbors with Greece). The issue which I have to struggle with every day of my life, is my sexual orientation, which is quite different than most people's. In particular I don't dream about girls, I dream about guys instead and I was able to figure it out when I was about 12-13 years old. At that time, I was not mature enough to understand and emphathize or even embrace these shameful and abnormal feelings that I have had to deal with, so I chose to go undercover, hide the real me so that no one else could ever find out who I really was, disaprove all these bad feelings, and tried to convice myself that I am straight and that I was going through a phase that I had to do my best in order to conquer and jump over it. And that's how my life as a teenager continued to slip by, followed with so much pain, disappointment and hatred about myself, people around me, my family (which has been super homophobic thus far) and life in general. I was too afraid to be open, communicate and be myself with people and still am, because of the fear that they will automatically reject me if they ever find out my secret. Secrets can cause so much internal damage, and I think that this damage can get worse and worst especially when you have to wake up every day and know that you can't help but pretend someone who basically is not the real you. The whole situation which I created and keep pushing myself into, is totally pretentious and soul-destroying. Eventually, I ended up feeling absolutely helpless, alone, isolated, miserable, draggy, tired and even mad at myself for not being true and shuting my emotions off. In addition, the fact that i am a member of a super homophobic family made things worse and harsher. Both of my parents and grandparents would often slur, bash, insult and express their rage against gay people, whenever they saw anything relevant to LGBT community on TV ; right here I think I will have to mention that no one kid is ever borned to hate himself/herself for being gay. It took me nearly 5 whole years to finally embrace and accept my sexuality after realising and accepting the fact that this is the way I am born and created, I can't be straight as much as I wanted to, and I am destined to love another man no matter how many people would find it disgusting and abnormal. And that was when I felt deeply the need to share it with someone else who can be supportive and receptive of this real side of me. At that time I was regularly consulting a psychologist, so I decided to come out to her at first. Although I was really afraid of her initial reaction, I kept telling myself that If I wanted to escape from the prison which I put myself into, I had to start telling the truth about myself. Once I confided my secret to her I felt so much relieved and happy at the same time because it really needed a lot of bravery to do something like that. I have to say that up to now she's the only person that is really officially aware of that side of myself and indeed she's super supportive, affectionate and encouraging! I know that my struggle with homosexuality and my fears have not overcomed yet, but at least I know now that I am not alone and definitely I am not the only person that is going through this thing. That's why I have to keep conquer and fight over my homophobic family and a lot of judgmental folks, so that I can finally come to that place in my life when I can look back and admit that homosexuality wasn't such a big issue for me after all...