Post by spencerhamlet on Jun 11, 2017 13:03:21 GMT -6
Hi guys,
Thanks for taking the time to click onto my post. I'd love some advice/reflections if you have the time and willing.
I have been stuck in a depressive rut for the last seven weeks. Finally it became too much and I took sick leave from my job. It is my second week off, but i'm hoping to be back in next week.
The depression has been building up for a year - there have been warning signs - but there was one particular incident around Easter which tipped me over the edge. Since then, I have barely managed to do anything outside of work, merely going through the motions of life.
I fell for this guy, who is around nine years younger than me, a college student (22). Our friendship began last November, and although I fancied him, I always accepted that he was 'out of my league' and was happy to be friends with him. However, some weeks before Easter, after not seeing him for a couple of months, we met, and he was really nice to me, telling me how much weight i'd lost, how good I looked etc.
He then accidentally missed his bus home (I live in the city centre, he lives in the suburbs), so he called me and asked if he could stay over. I invited him to sleep in the spare room I had at the time. He said of all the people he has met since he moved abroad, I am the kindest he has ever met. We had a bit of a heart to heart, and he went to bed. He had confided in me a bit since then.
Three weeks later, he was on a study week, and called me up again to see what I was up to. Only this time, he stepped up the tone of the messages in my view. He asked me to come to his home, watch films with him, and remain overnight. He cooked me a special dinner.
When I arrived there, he was very keen to know whether I would remain overnight, and when I answered in the affirmative, he was delighted, and told me that I should share his bed as he does not have any other sleeping surface. Naturally when we did get into bed, stuff happened.
But the afternoon after, the guy claimed not to remember any of it, and criticised me for taking advantage of him (I sought consent during the event). I was really hurt, as the build-up to it, and the event itself felt somewhat special. And it has left me wondering what made him react in that manner.
Anyway, we haven't spoken about it since. There was a break after Easter while he was taking exams, and we have met on a broadly weekly basis since mid-May. Each time, it has been friendly, and pleasant from his point of view. He even went so far when I met him yesterday to name me among his best friends. However, a previous time we met, he gave me chapter and verse on a guy who he fancied.
Whenever I leave my meetings with him, I always long for something I cannot have. I read into things which are probably not there. And its driving me crazy, and really affecting me mentally. As a result of this, friends have advised me to stop meeting with him. But of course I don't take this advice. He is like a drug which is bad for me. And I don't want it to be like this.
We had a lovely frendship before Easter, and I'd like things to return to that state. He appears to really rate me as a good friend, and I want to be able to reciprocate that at least.
He is going back to his home country to complete his studies in August, but will return to these shores a year later. I hope this will help.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end - and i'd love your thoughts. I am not sure if finding someone else would be the answer. I am lonely, and long for a bit of companionship in my life.
I cannot continue feeling this bad.
- Spencer
Thanks for taking the time to click onto my post. I'd love some advice/reflections if you have the time and willing.
I have been stuck in a depressive rut for the last seven weeks. Finally it became too much and I took sick leave from my job. It is my second week off, but i'm hoping to be back in next week.
The depression has been building up for a year - there have been warning signs - but there was one particular incident around Easter which tipped me over the edge. Since then, I have barely managed to do anything outside of work, merely going through the motions of life.
I fell for this guy, who is around nine years younger than me, a college student (22). Our friendship began last November, and although I fancied him, I always accepted that he was 'out of my league' and was happy to be friends with him. However, some weeks before Easter, after not seeing him for a couple of months, we met, and he was really nice to me, telling me how much weight i'd lost, how good I looked etc.
He then accidentally missed his bus home (I live in the city centre, he lives in the suburbs), so he called me and asked if he could stay over. I invited him to sleep in the spare room I had at the time. He said of all the people he has met since he moved abroad, I am the kindest he has ever met. We had a bit of a heart to heart, and he went to bed. He had confided in me a bit since then.
Three weeks later, he was on a study week, and called me up again to see what I was up to. Only this time, he stepped up the tone of the messages in my view. He asked me to come to his home, watch films with him, and remain overnight. He cooked me a special dinner.
When I arrived there, he was very keen to know whether I would remain overnight, and when I answered in the affirmative, he was delighted, and told me that I should share his bed as he does not have any other sleeping surface. Naturally when we did get into bed, stuff happened.
But the afternoon after, the guy claimed not to remember any of it, and criticised me for taking advantage of him (I sought consent during the event). I was really hurt, as the build-up to it, and the event itself felt somewhat special. And it has left me wondering what made him react in that manner.
Anyway, we haven't spoken about it since. There was a break after Easter while he was taking exams, and we have met on a broadly weekly basis since mid-May. Each time, it has been friendly, and pleasant from his point of view. He even went so far when I met him yesterday to name me among his best friends. However, a previous time we met, he gave me chapter and verse on a guy who he fancied.
Whenever I leave my meetings with him, I always long for something I cannot have. I read into things which are probably not there. And its driving me crazy, and really affecting me mentally. As a result of this, friends have advised me to stop meeting with him. But of course I don't take this advice. He is like a drug which is bad for me. And I don't want it to be like this.
We had a lovely frendship before Easter, and I'd like things to return to that state. He appears to really rate me as a good friend, and I want to be able to reciprocate that at least.
He is going back to his home country to complete his studies in August, but will return to these shores a year later. I hope this will help.
Thanks for reading all the way to the end - and i'd love your thoughts. I am not sure if finding someone else would be the answer. I am lonely, and long for a bit of companionship in my life.
I cannot continue feeling this bad.
- Spencer