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Post by nathansimko on May 1, 2014 8:09:24 GMT -6
When it comes to my dating life Dorthy from The Golden Girls is more of a stud then myself. In my time since coming out (10 yrs) I have only dated two guys. Most of my lack of experiance is self inflicted because I have no self esteem and am very shy. Another reason is fear of hurting another guy. That is the point of this thread.
My story begins three years ago. I met a guy at a local gay bar I frequented. He was in drag and literally kidnapped me from my friends. He was intense and went for what he wanted. I on the other hand was freaked the blank out!! I have no issues with transgendered people, I'm just not into that personally. However, there was something about him. There was a spark and instant connection. It turns out that he only dressed in drag once in awhile. He did like makeup but had no issues with being a guy in daily life.
We ended up going out and within a few weeks started dating. It didn't take long for us to fall in love. Talking everyday and staying with each other on the weekends. Things seemed fine but inside me I was not being completely honest. Two of our first 5 dates he dressed in drag. I didn't object because I didn't want to hurt him. I believe deeply that he had every right to express himself. Who was I to tell him to not be himself.
So I kept my mouth shut but my feelings started to change. He was falling more and more in love with me while I was growing apart. After about 10 months I broke up with him. He begged me to stay and said he would change anything I wanted him too. As I already stated that wouldn't have been fair of me.
I almost immediately felt regret but I stuck to my decision. We never spoke or saw each other again. I had broken his heart and all could have been avoided if I would have just been honest from the start.
One year later my 26 yr old ex-boyfriend was dead. Cause of death I will never know because I have no connections to anyone who knows what happened. I only found out through his Facebook page as my daughter was still friends with him.
All I want to do is hug him and tell him how sorry I am for being dishonest. For not communicating with him from the start. All I want to do is tell him how much I love him. All I want is one more day.
It's been over a year since his death but every time I hear Fireworks by Katie Perry I barely keep from crying. I miss you so much and I'm sorry..
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Post by n8vdude on May 1, 2014 9:00:59 GMT -6
Very powerful and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing. I have a similar experience in my past. Only it was at the height of the HIV epidemic. A guy who was very into me and I valued him greatly in my life. Just not where he wanted me to go with it. Shortly thereafter he met up with a guy who was infected and he became infected too. He came to my birthday party and was looking a little piqued. We spent a great deal of time talking while everyone else was being whacky crazy for my birthday. He finally told me he was getting a bit tired and needed to go home. I hugged him and told him we'd have lunch again soon but it wasn't to be. Within a few days he had passed. At the time I didn't know that he was not only positive but actually in decline from the disease. Had I known I would've been far more attentive and generous with my time. I'd have other birthdays. I could let one go for him.
That singular event taught me to never shirk a moment to say how you feel about someone. Work through the awkwardness and the pain it may bring. Because, in the end, they are a valued human being and we can all use a bit more generosity and kindness toward one another. People tend to throw 'I love you' and 'love ya's' around to where we become inured to it. We need to take that back and really own when we say it. Mean it when it leaves our lips. It's not easy in this fast paced world.
I feel your pain because it reminds me of my own. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's are always the hardest to endure. But he's still there. He's tucked in there with you. I know it doesn't remotely feel like enough but it's all we have I'm afraid. So carry him with you. Love him even though he can't be here to receive it. Because the memory of those we love is what keeps them alive and often keeps us grounded and humble.
All my best... truly.
B.
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Post by Matt Stout on May 1, 2014 14:43:55 GMT -6
Nathan, WOW! ... Wow.... ... I can feel your pain. I have a similar... VERY similar situation. I met a guy back in 2008, at a friends. We hit it off right away... We talked, soon started dating, And he fell HARD for me. There were just a few problems... 1.) He was a heavy smoker... and I could not handle that. I mean he was free to do what he wanted, but it was a MAJOR turn off for me. 2.) He was VERY feminine. As in he painted his nails in public, wore ladies clothes, carried a purse... Had long lady like hair. Again, who was I to judge? He was free to express himself how he wanted. 3.) He did NOT have a job, or a car... and he was looking to me to support both of us, and at that time in life I was just not at a point where I could do so. Nor would I have done so having not known him for that long. Finally one night... I just could not take it any more. I had to end our relationship before it got to the point I couldn't. I told him the 3 things I just mentioned. . . He was heartbroken, but he understood. He told me that he would always love me, and we went our separate ways. 2 years went by (which brings us to 2010) ... I got a message from him on Facebook, I guess I never un-friended him.. But we hadn't spoken in 2 years. It was a very serious message, asking me to contact him. So I did. He expressed to me that he had 1.) Quit smoking. 2.) Become less feminine. 3.) He had got a job, and his own car, and was about to get his own place. . . We continued talking... as friends... It was super late on night about 2am... I get a phone call from him. I answered the phone, not really knowing what to expect. He was crying and he said "I'm going to ask you one more time to take me back." I told him "Tyler, I am really proud of everything you have done, you are doing great things with your life, but right now it is just not possible for me to take you back." He told me "I'm sorry Matt. I still love you, I just cant handle this pain any more." and thats when the phone call went silent. I called him back, he never answered.. I text him.. No response... I called, and text a few more times, and nothing. I finally went to sleep, and decided that I would talk to him when I woke up. . . Little did I know that was not the case. That night while Tyler and I were on the phone he hung himself in his fathers basement. It has always been one of those "If I could turn back time, I swear I would have prevented that." Since 2010 Tylers suicide has bothered me on almost a daily basis. That was one of the HUGE factors in my decision to start this company. I swore I would NEVER let there be another Tyler situation. And if there were, I would at least be able to know that I did EVERYTHING in my power to prevent it. In a way I thank Tyler. Had he not have reached out to me in his last moments, it probably would not have affected me in the way it has, nor would I have this company now to be able to assist everyone. B - WOW! I can't really relate to yours as I can to Nate's ... But I can NOT imagine what it would have been like to tell someone you would have lunch with them soon... and then never get that opportunity. I do agree with you though, the "I love You's" and "Love Ya's" get thrown around so much they kind of lose their meaning. I have got to the point with Matt that I will NOT tell him I love him unless I am looking him deep in the eyes, and I know that he can feel my love when I say it. Granted I say it all the time, but when I do, I make a point to stop what I am doing, hold his face in my hands, and tell him. That way he KNOWS that the words actually mean something coming from me. ~Matt |
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Post by nathansimko on May 1, 2014 20:55:49 GMT -6
Matt there isn't a person on earth I would wish this on. What we've been through is life changing. Truly the best thing that has come out of this is we are able to help others in the memory of those we loved. I guess in the end that's all we can do. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Nv- thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm sorry your friend passed before you had a chance to really spend time with him. I know it isn't easy. Helping others and comforting people that are HIV + could be a way to honor his memory.
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Post by Racheal Acuff on May 1, 2014 21:50:08 GMT -6
Nate,
Once again I am taken back by your strength and wonderful desire to help people. What a powerful story! I am so sorry for your loss and I know that you not knowing exactly what happened has to be so hard for you. I couldn't imagine losing someone I cared about and loved and not knowing what happened to them. Losing Camdyn was beyond hard and I knew what happened to him!
Matt,
Whenever I hear you talk about Tyler it breaks my heart in pieces, I don't know how you came through that but I am so glad you did because now we get to change peoples live one day at time and it is the greatest feeling in the world!! You,Nate and I make one great team and we are going to do great things!!
Much Love,
Rae!!
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Post by Matt Stout on May 1, 2014 22:14:20 GMT -6
Matt there isn't a person on earth I would wish this on. What we've been through is life changing. Truly the best thing that has come out of this is we are able to help others in the memory of those we loved. I guess in the end that's all we can do. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I would NEVER wish this upon ANYONE... However what we have been through has made us who we are now... And I would NOT change anything about my life at this point. Matt, Whenever I hear you talk about Tyler it breaks my heart in pieces, I don't know how you came through that but I am so glad you did because now we get to change peoples live one day at time and it is the greatest feeling in the world!! You, Nate and I make one great team and we are going to do great things!! Honestly... It has taken a LOT out of me... Stressing over it ... night after night... Losing sleep night after night.. trying to figure out what I did wrong... What I could have done to change it. But in becoming a suicide prevention specialist, I have learned when Tyler reached out to me he had already made up his mind, and there was nothing ANYONE could do to prevent it. He was pretty much saying his "last goodbyes" That has put me at ease a little... but it is still hard from time to time. ~Matt |
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